Saying Goodbye

When we went in for our first ultrasound we asked about our frozen embryos.  Kim said she was surprised we hadn't heard anything (as we were supposed to find out one week after our transfer), but she explained that they actually just had an office meeting about these letters because it seemed to be a problem. She told me to get dressed and she would meet us with one of the technicians.

We were met outside by Kim and the head lab technician Bret. He handed me the letter and said "I'm sorry, I don't know why this was never sent.  It's dated one week from your transfer date.  Here you go."  I read the letter.  Our frozen embryos didn't survive.

I had anticipated this, but for some reason reading it made it real and I had to fight the tears as they swelled in my eyes.  To me, they were our future children.  Children that would help fill our home with laughter, joy, and so many memories.  I think what also made this so devastating was the fact that if for some reason the pregnancy didn't make it to term, we would have to start the process all over. . .at FULL PRICE and that's $20k we don't have people.  And even if the pregnancy did make it to full term, then we would still have to come up with an extra $20k to try for another pregnancy.  This is where the sting of infertility comes back and bites me in the butt.  You think you're okay and then BAM! Something sneaks up on you and reminds you of your painful reality.

In hindsight, finding out the remaining embryos didn't survive until after my pregnancy was confirmed,  was probably the best.  Knowing the statistics that Dr. Slater gave me the day of implantation, and knowing myself, I would have started playing the number game in my head, which in turn would have been more stress on me and my body and that wouldn't be good for the {possible} baby that was growing in my body.

Now, we continue to live on a hope and a prayer that everything will be well with this pregnancy.

BFP!

If you're not my friend on facebook, I'm sure you may be wondering where I've been the last couple of months.  Well, here's your answer:

That's right, I'm pregnant!  I am 3.5 months along, and we are beyond excited, though for a small moment I had lost hope.

Remember how I trolled the Internet?  Well, while aimlessly wandering the internet I came across an article that talked about the soonest possible day I could take a pregnancy test post IVF. Since I had taken HCG prior to the extraction and it could interfere with an accurate pregnancy test, so the article stated waiting six days post IVF.  So on the sixth day (September 19th) I tested.  I was both nervous and excited.  I mean, the hopes and dreams of growing our family would be determined by one little + or -. I followed the directions and waited patiently.  I picked it up and stared at that pesky little stick.  There it was a big fat MINUS sign.  My heart was instantly filled with sadness.  I slowly began to feel the walls caving in on me.

I read the instructions again to see the soonest that one could test before their missed period.  Five day.  Yep, I was in that window.  I counted six days from the date of my procedure.  Yep, the 19th.  My heart sank.  It didn't work.  Then my mind began to race: Who can I talk to? Do I tell Nic? I don't want to ruin his birthday.  Why didn't it work? Did I do something wrong? Maybe this just wasn't "our time" to have a baby. . .I did my best to put my happy face on and slowly began to accept the fact that I wasn't pregnant.  The hard part was a couple days later when Nic asked me if I had taken the test yet-Yes I have, but how am I supposed to tell you? I just told him we won't know anything until Monday (September 24th).  Well fast forward to Sunday. . .

After a few days of being sad and disappointed, I was feeling recharged and ready for a beautiful Sunday. I awoke at 6 am needing to use the "facilities."  As I entered the bathroom, I see the pregnancy test box sitting on the counter with one test left.  It was as if the test was calling my name.  I tried to ignore the urge to take another test, especially because I didn't want anymore disappointment, but then I figured what the heck-might was well prepare my heart tomorrow for the 100% negative answer.  I waited the allotted time and take a look.  This time this test looks different-not only from the test I had taken a few days ago, but from ALL the tests I had  taken in my seven years of marriage-there is a faint plus sign in the window!  I couldn't believe it.  I examine the test in better lighting and there it is-definitely a plus sign.  A large part of me wanted to shout for joy, but the other part didn't want to put all my eggs into one basket because it could be a false positive.  I knew I had to wait until Monday to be sure.

Monday morning I went to my appointment and had my blood drawn, for hopefully, what would be the last time. They wished me good luck and told me they would have the results for me at 3:30 pm.  I had to wait 6 hours before I found out-dreadful I tell you!  I tried to keep myself busy with G and doing things around the house, but I found myself checking my phone every 15-30 minutes to make sure it was working and off vibrate.  Finally the time arrived, but no call. I waited 10 minutes.  Nothing.  I started to get anxious.  45 minutes later I get "the call." I took a deep breath and answered.

"Hi Elaine. This is so and so from ICRM, how are you?

"Good.  Just a little nervous."

"Well, we got your test results back and congratulations-you're pregnant!"

My eyes are immediately filled with tears, I can't believe it, "Oh my gosh! Really?"

"Yes and your levels look really, really good.  Congratulations.  We're going to get you transferred over to the front and get you scheduled for your 7 week appointment."

Everything gets scheduled and I'm still in shock.  I can't believe it.  I immediately want to call and tell Nic, but I know I can't simply tell him over the phone.  So I brake "our rule" and call my good friend.  She was beyond excited for us and is willing to help me share the news with Nic.  I told I was going to go to Wal-Mart and buy some newborn diapers and a gift bag and leave it in the back of my car and she can come over later and give it to him as a late birthday gift (her and her hubby couldn't celebrate with us as they were out of town).  We finish dinner and she comes over, hands the gift to him and says "I hope it fits, I wasn't sure about the size."  As he's getting ready to open his gift I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes.  He pulls the diapers out, takes a look at them and says "Sweet!" Then he just places them on his lap like nothing.

My friend and I look at each other, then back at Nic, and say "that's it?! Aren't you excited??"

"Of course I am babe, but I kind'a knew you were pregnant already. You haven't been yourself lately."

"What do you mean I 'haven't been myself'?"  He goes on to explain that he noticed I drank a gallon of orange juice by MYSELF in a day, I've been wanting to nap more lately, and by 5 pm, on a Saturday mind you, I was ready for bed.  "All of those were signs to me that you were definitely pregnant."  I had to chuckle, for a couple of reasons: 1) really, how observant is my husband?  I think some men would have missed those "small" things, I'm blessed with a wonderful man :) and 2) no matter how many times I try to surprise him with things, they always end up ruined.  Not because he purposely goes out of his way to find out, but things just randomly happen that lead to him finding out.  I told Nic that he's no fun to surprise and that next time we find out we're pregnant I'm just going to tell him "yep."  Hahaha.

The first trimester was a little rough; I really had no idea how much work it takes to grow a another person in your body.  I remember telling Nic before our 1st ultrasound "there better be two in there because this is RIDICULOUS!"  I hear in the second trimester you energy returns-can't wait for that.

Just six more months and the little one will be here. Here's to {more} of my dreams coming true  :)

40 Kids

In my church I work with the children 4-11 teaching them music.  I LOVE it!  With that calling, I also visit the nursery children (18 months to 3).  Working with the younger children like that can be super challenging.  Sometimes I am able to teach them a song and other times, we just sing a bunch of silly songs.  I have learned how to adapt quickly.

This past Sunday one of the moms of the children was helping in the room.  Upon my leaving she told me "You should have like 40 kids!  You have a sweet, calm, and peaceful demeanor about you.  You have that voice that just speaks to children.  Seriously, you need to have a lot of kids."  That really meant a lot to me coming from this particular mom-I consider her a super-mom, but as she was sharing these kind words with me I could only think "If you only knew. . ."

If you only knew how hard it is for us to have babies.  If it were up to Nic and I, we would have 5 kids (he says 7 but that's just too much for this mama), but it's not up to us. And since we had no surviving embryos, our next go around of IVF (if we decide to go that route) will be FULL price and end up costing us over $20K (yes, that's right $20,000).  That's $20k for just the possibility of becoming pregnant. That's $20K for one baby (unless we get a two for one special).  Yes, we could adopt again, but that could potentially cost a few thousand dollars as well (depending on which agency we go through). It's a hard reality for me, that we have to PAY to have our children, but that's another post for another time.

If you only knew how hard it is for me to be a mom. After we welcomed sweet baby G, I suffered from "post adoption blues" (think postpartum, just without all the extra hormones).  Not a lot of people knew about it, and truthfully, it's not something the adoption community really talks about (at least, not that I found).  I had to reach out to someone that I respected to see if you knew of anyone that suffered from this, and luckily she was able to connect me with someone.  I think part of my struggle of being a mom is how I have measured my success, it's always been tangible-awards, recognition, raises, etc.  Being a mom, you really don't get that.

If you only knew how my heart yearns for more children.  I want our family to grow.  I want G to have siblings (even with the above mentioned difficulties I have), but with each child that comes into our family I have to be willing to accept that maybe this is my reality.  That the dreams of the family I've always wanted are out the window.  When G joined our family we were beyond excited! When she was probably around 9 months, I knew I wanted her to have siblings, but I also knew the difficulties that lay ahead for us.  I spent a lot of time crying and coming to terms with the fact that we may only have one child.  Then of course, everything happened and now Baby #2 is on it's way.  Again, beyond excited but I've already started thinking about Baby #3 (sorry, it's the planner in me) and how again, I'm faced with the fact that perhaps 2 beautiful children is all we will be blessed with.  Happy? Yes.  Grateful? Of course!  But infertility is a funny thing-she reminds you of the hopes and dreams you had. She reopens that wound you thought had healed and throws salt on it, bringing about all that pain again.  

Maybe we'll never have the family that Nic and I have dreamed of.  And (for right now) I'm okay with that.  Maybe instead of kids we'll add more pets to our family.  Though, that may take some extra convincing with the hubby.  Hmmm. . . .  ;)

Defriending

It has recently come to my attention some friends have deleted me or blocked me from Facebook (I have only learned this because friends of friends have told me) because I'm sharing too much of my life.  To that, I just laugh.

This is MY story.  You don't have to like it and you don't have to read it.  Truth be told, I really don't know how many people truly read this and it doesn't matter.  I have found my voice.  I have chronicled my journey of IVF so others that may have to endure this have an idea of what to expect.  I have shared the emotional roller-coaster so women can know that they are not alone, and it's okay if you're a little emotionally unstable at times.

By sharing my story, people have reached out to me, sharing their stories.  I've created my own little family of Infertility Warrior Queens and I love it!  If my story is too real for you, then "Defriend" away.

2ww

Any of my friends that have gone through an IVF understand exactly what that means.  2ww stands for 2 Week Wait.  And let me tell you,  it. has. been. TORTURE!!!!  The 2ww is the length of time between embryo transfer and when you a) get a positive pregnancy test {fingers and toes crossed} or b) period begins.

The first part of this journey was filled with ultrasounds, daily shots, more ultrasounds, and blood tests, but now there is nothing else to do but wait; well, that and search Google for any possible indication that any symptoms could possibly result in a BFP (Big Fat Positive pregnany test-one of many acronyms I learned while trolling Google.) I have also discovered this little gem, the IVF Due Date Calculator.  

Since I was on bed rest for the first three days, it was easy to not wonder "what if" because I was too busy being bored out of my mind and completely uncomfortable, but now that I have the freedom to roam the house (and made the mistake of taking a week and a half off from work) I only have time to wonder "what if."  On Facebook, I belong to a couple of selling groups and whenever I see baby item postings I just want to say "If you still have this in 3 months, let me know!"  But I don't, because people would think me crazy. . .haha.  Clearly, I have baby(ies) on the brain.

One of the biggest anxieties I have felt during this 2ww is whether or not the remaining embryos (2) made it to Saturday (Sept. 15th) and were able to be frozen.  If they both made it, then statistically speaking (according to Dr. Slater), only one of the two embryos that were implanted should have settled down for nine months, resulting in pregnancy.  Now, if neither of my embryos made it to Saturday, then (statistically to Dr. Slater), both implanted embryos should result in pregnancy.  Dr. Slater told us that we would receive a letter in the mail letting us know what the results were, or, if we wanted, we could call to find out the results of the two remaining embryos.  No thank you!  As curious as I am, I would not been able to have the statistical information weighing over me as I wait to see what new adventures await me and my family.  I know the information Dr. Slater provided us is just a numbers game and there is really no guarantees when it come to statistics, but still, she is the expert.  She has supported research and results, while I only have a prayer in my heart (and the hearts of all of my friends-again THANK YOU!) that this IVF cycle turns out how Nic and I would want it to turn out.

2ww will officially be over September 24th and I'm becoming more and more nervous the closer it gets.   Whatever the results are, we are prepared.

Again, please remember: though I will be finding out the results on Monday (remember, I have three days to tell Nic), we ask that you please be patient with us in sharing the information.  Whether the results be positive or negative, we've decided on a months time to share the information with our friends and family.  We would like time to process everything.  Thank you.

How to deal with Infertility: Sound principles I learned from The Never Ending Story

*Originally posted April 2010

So, a while ago my husband and I bought the two pack DVD of The Never Ending Story and there are some true life applications there. Here are my observations:

1. If you let the sadness over come you, you will die. I've struggled with being infertile and I've had good days and (really) bad days, but I've come up on top-with occasional trips. But if I choose to wallow in my self-pity I wouldn't be happy. And what kind of life is it if you're not happy?

2. If you doubt your worth, you face ultimate destruction. Never question who you are and what your purpose is. You are of infinite worth and have a divine purpose on this earth, though you may feel like you're not fulfilling it. Have faith in yourself and everything else will fall into place.

3. We all have a Falcor in our lives: someone who believes in us and stands by our side. Willing to make the adventure with us. My Falcor? The hubby.

4. When you lose your hope and dreams, the nothing will take control. You have to believe in something to be sure you have a purpose in life.

5. There is a power and a being seeking to destroy us. Plain and simple.

6. I will name my son Atreyu-the hubby just doesn't know it yet.

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home

This shirt is so true for little G. She LOVES her daddy.  She can often be heard walking around the house calling at the top of her lungs "Daaa!" whether he is home or not.

Though it's been hard for me not to really spend time with her, I have loved seeing her with her daddy.  I always knew Nic was such a good daddy, but being able to be on the "outside" and see him spend time with our daughter has been so special for me.

I can see how much he loves G (and how much she really has him wrapped around her finger) and how much she loves her daddy.  I love seeing him prepare her food and change her diapers.  Getting her dressed for the day (some outfit choices have been questionable-to which he has replied "I'm in charge". . .haha). I love seeing him creating memories with her.  I love seeing G eat up every moment that she is spending with her daddy.

I love seeing Nic be a daddy and I can't wait to bring more children into our family.

Making the Decision: Transfer Day (sorry, it's a little long)

Possibly our last picture as a family of three :)

Yesterday morning at 8:23am we received the phone call from ICRM that we had been waiting all week for, to see if we were going to be moving forward with our transfer or holding off until Saturday.  As I had previously said,after talking with Bret, we were hoping for a 5 day embryo transfer. So, I was a little surprised when Jana told us that we had a choice.   

My embryos: four good embryos on top and one no bueno embryo on bottom left 

She explained to us that of the five embryos that fertilized, only four of them looked good for transfer (if we chose to do it today) and had a good cell count-the fifth one only had two cells and the other four had six to eight.  She said that if we didn't do the transfer today, then we could wait until Saturday but they're were also some risks with that.  Ideally, we would want the embryos to keep growing and with a five day transfer the lab is able to pick the most competent embryos for transfer-we will have more information.  There is also a 55% chance of pregnancy resulting in a five day transfer (compared to a 45% chance with a three day transfer), but with all the positive information she also told us that we would run a risk of all the embryos dying.  She said sometimes, for unexplained reasons, the embryos can grow really well in the beginning and then just stop growing (and die), which would leave us with NO embryos for transfer.  She said there is also the chance that everything could continue to grow and all would be well for a Saturday transfer, we just don't know. Jana also told us that she feels Dr. Slater wouldn't have a preference either way, as there hasn't been any abnormalities with any of my test results. She said for us to talk it over and then get back to her.

After weighing out all the options, Nic and I didn't really feel a strong pull either way but we decided that no matter what day we decide to transfer the embryos, ultimately it's up to the Lord and if we are meant to get pregnant it will happen no matter what.  I called Jana back and let her know would proceed forward with today.

We felt good about our decision and went about getting ready for our day.  I spent a good majority of my time lying in bed sending positive thoughts and energy to my uterus.

When we arrive at ICRM, the take me back and give me some Valium, and then Dr. Slater entered the room: "So, I'm just curious, why did you guys decided to do a three day transfer instead of a five day transfer?"  My heart stops for a moment and I look to Nic for guidance.

"Well, when we spoke with Jana she said the embryos looked good today and we had the choice of a transferring today or Saturday.  She said we could also risk the embryos not making it to Saturday"

"Yeah, but there's a chance that the embryos won't make it through today either."  She says something else, to which I don't recall, because now I'm filled with nervousness as to whether or not Nic and I made the wrong decision.  Dr. Slater leaves and I look to Nic and he does his best to comfort me.  He reminds me of why we made our decision.  When Dr. Slater comes back into the room, Nic takes over the appointment because I can feel the tears coming on.

Nic asked Dr. Slater why it would be best to hold off until Saturday as apposed to us doing the transfer today, and she just explains everything we've already heard about the five day transfer. . .we will have more information, we can tell which embryos are the very best, etc.  Dr. Slater tried to stress that with doing a transfer today, while the embryos had a good cell count statistically only 2 out of 3 could result in pregnancy and we really didn't know which two (because there wasn't enough info).  Even with this new info, Nic and I decided to proceed with the transfer.

Me ready and waiting for the embryos to be transferred.

The transfer was a simple procedure.  Kim (my nurse) held the ultra sound wand (externally) to help guide Dr. Slater with the implantation.  After the implantation I rested 20 minutes and listened to some Jack Johnson.  I love Jack Johnson because his music is just so cool and chill and every time I hear any of his songs I just get a big smile on my face and think of my loving husband (he introduced me to Jack Johnson's music)-I figured since I wanted to send good, happy, loving vibes to my uterus this was the perfect choice of music :)

I've been on bed rest the last few days and I am DYING here!  I can only get up to use the rest room or to take a shower.  I want a change of scenery.  I want to cuddle with my baby girl.  This morning Nic had taken the baby gate down (from our living room to kitchen) so my best friend and her little girls would have an easier time getting from where I was to the kitchen (they came to make me breakfast and help Nic-which he TOTALLY appreciated); well, when he and G left for a birthday party, he left the gate down.  I was so, so, soooooooooooooooooooo tempted to go get something from the kitchen (Nic had stocked me up with things I may need, but it wasn't enough).  It was like the kitchen was just screaming my name!  But I knew Nic would kill me, so I was a good girl and stayed put :)

Post transfer has been good.  Nothing too painful.  It just hurts to laugh.  I'm having some cramping, but I can only hope that's a good thing.  The first day home, G came up to me (several times) and kissed my stomach.  She did this without being asked to, so maybe she knows something we don't.  Hurry and get here September 24th (though I know it's going to take FOREVER)!!!

Falling In Love

My wonderful hubby!  Isn't he handsome?  Hubba! Hubba!<3

I am falling in love with this man more and more each day, especially this last week.  Nic is a wonderful husband-the best a girl could ask for.  He is also a FABULOUS dad to our little G.  Sure I get jealous because she would much rather cuddle with her daddy more than with mommy, but that just means she has learned and knows how much her daddy loves her and, honestly, how much more fun he is than mommy (only daddy tosses her in the air and takes her for rides on the four wheeler).

Nic has done so much for our little growing family the last week-taking care of G, taking care of me, cooking meals, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning, waking up with G in the middle of the night (she doesn't usually do this, but I think this last week has been hard for her as well), working hard to grow his business, working hard looking for a second job-the list could just go on and on.  My husband has reminded me of all the reasons I fell in love with him.

I've always said that our journey through infertility has brought us closer together as a couple, and that is not more true than now.  Nic doing everything for me has reminded me that no matter what happens in our life, that I can depend on him and he is there for me and G.  He will be there to support us.

No matter the results of our IVF cycle, I am again grateful for being on this journey with my wonderful, handsome husband.

I love you babe!

The Results Are In!

Well, not the results that you are probably wanting to hear, but the next best thing.

The head lab technician, Bret, from ICRM called to give us the update of our embryos.  Of the 12, nine matured.  Of the nine matured embryos, five fertilized.  He said we would have liked a higher number, but it's still good.  And, really, we are in the scope that Dr. Slater originally told us.  We just have to hope and pray that those five make it to the transfer day.

He said that we are still looking at a 5 day transfer-blah!  I asked him why a 5 day transfer would be the option over the 3 day transfer, and now I'm really hoping for the 5 day transfer.  He said that they want to grow the embryos as much as they can and getting them out to 5 days means they will have reached optimal growth.  If it's just a 3 days transfer, it's because they feel the embryos aren't going to grow as much as it's best to get them inside the uterus in hopes that mother nature takes over and helps them grow and result in pregnancy.  He also said Dr. Slater would do a three day transfer if it looks like only 2 embryos are growing, since she wants to only transfer 2 embryos.  Again, I'm really hoping for the 5 day transfer now because we want more than 2 embryos to grow so we can freeze the others and not have to pay as much for another transfer, Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

Regardless of how things turn out, we know the Lord is over all and He knows what is best for our family.  I just hope this time around He and I are on the same page ;) In two more days we will get another call from ICRM to find out what our next step is.

Again, thank you for your continued prayers.

Egg Retrieval-OUCH!

Me in the recovery room.  I was still a little out of it.

I woke up bright and early at 4:45am to get myself and G ready for us to head to ICRM for my egg retrieval.  My egg retrieval was scheduled for 7am, but I needed to be there at 6:30am for check-in.  Which meant we would need to drop G off at her birth cousin's house at 6am which meant we would need to leave our house at 5:30am to get everywhere on time.  Yes, very early morning.

Besides the staff, Nic and I were the only ones in the office.  I was the first retrieval scheduled for the day, so I was guaranteed to be pulled back on time-score!  At 6:50am Mo, the anesthesiologist, came out and had Nic and I kiss and say our (short) good-byes.  Then she pulled me back to get everything started, but not until she gave me a hug and asked how I was doing :) So sweet.  I really do love the staff at ICRM, they do their best to be so warm and welcoming and just make you feel special.

I was taken back to the operating room and got prepped and ready.  Mo and I were chitchatting about a few things and then last thing I remember is my knees going in the stirrups (so much more comfortable) and Dr. Slater coming into the room asking me if I was ready to get started.  The anesthesia they gave me was a gentle anesthesia where I was able to breathe on my own and not feel or remember anything.  I did wake up near the end of the procedure and felt some extreme discomfort as they were finishing up, but besides that everything went fairly well.  There was just one minor hiccup.

During the procedure it was discovered that my left ovary had somehow moved up and UNDER my uterus-clearly where it's NOT supposed to be.  This made retrieval on this side a little more difficult and a bummer (for me).  As you recall, I had 20 follicles that were ready for retrieval and the really good ones were on my left side.  Well, with my left ovary being under my uterus, Dr. Slater had to do what she could to make retrieval easier on that side; which meant that she had to push down on my ovary to move it.  In doing so, I lost at least 4 eggs, they were basically squished out and Dr. Slater saw them fall.  Since we know we had 20, she said the other four could have fallen out during the process (of moving my ovary) and she just didn't see them.  Ideally, Dr. Slater would have liked to retrieve at least 17 but she assured us that 12 is still a good number.  However, with only 12 being retrieved I'm not sure how many she is hoping will fertilize.  Since she was only able to retrieve 12 eggs, I am extremely grateful that I originally had 20 for retrieval.  If I would have had a lower number of eggs, and my ovary was still under my uterus, I could have possibly even had a lower total egg count, which would have decreased the chances for maturation.  Again, this isn't "scientifically" speaking, this is  "Elaine" speaking to give myself piece of mind :)

Since she had to push down on my ovaries a little more than usual, Dr. Slater said I will be tender and have more pain for a bit longer and she is right.  I wouldn't necessarily call it pain, but I am in extreme discomfort.  I have been confined to my bed (a day of bed rest that we had not anticipated) propped up with pillows and over-sized cushions, with instructions not to lay down until I go to bed tonight.  It is extremely hard to move and adjust my position.  Getting out of bed to use the restroom is extremely difficult and using the restroom is even more uncomfortable. It is also difficult for me to take nice, long, deep breaths because my body is so tender.  But I discovered if I get up and walk around a little bit (though it is a little difficult to get going), it helps with the discomfort.  I also do some small, gentle squats.  I don't know if I should, but it helps.

Now we wait.  This afternoon they injected Nic's sperm into my eggs.  And tomorrow we should get a call from the lab letting us know how the embryos are looking.  Dr. Slater mentioned a five day transfer (another $450-yikes!!), but we could still possibly do a three day transfer.  Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed for a three day transfer. We still don't know how many embryos will mature, but we are hoping for a high number.  Let the waiting and after retrieval to-do's begin.


In you are interested in more details about the retrieval, CLICK HERE for a description from the Pacific  Fertility Center in California.

IVF Rundown

A lot of you had asked questions about the process of IVF and I am always happy to answer them, but  I found a wonderful link that explains the process-in regular person talk and not "dr talk."

CLICK HERE to check it out.

Calm

Tomorrow is the big day.  I can't believe it's finally here.  In April, September seemed so far away and it's here, just one day away.

I had my "Instructions" appointment at ICRM today, where they gave me some to-do's prior to my extraction/retrieval tomorrow and some after to-do's.  I was excitedly greeted by Tami saying "We're here Elaine!  You've made it!" Though, it really has only been five months since we've won our grand-prize, truly it's been six years since the pains of infertility began to tear at me.  But Tami's statement was true: I have made it!

After my appointment Nic asked me how I was feeling and I really didn't have an answer for him.  Not to say that I felt numb, but I'm just calm.  I feel no anxieties. No worries. No stress.  Nothing.  Which is really surprising because I am such a little worry wart.  I think it's the prayers that have been offered by many of you, and to that I say "thank you". Prayers are a wonderful and powerful thing.  Prayers can help miracles happen.  I've seen it.  I know it. These feeling of peace or calm, to me, aren't a sign that things will work how Nic and I will want them too, but is reaffirms to us that no matter what happens, all will be well.  All will be right.

For Christmas Nic bought me a necklace from The R House Couture (there stuff is amazing and so powerful).  It says "Faith, Hope, Courage."  The designers of the necklace said it was for those going through breast cancer or for those that have survived, but Nic bought it for me because it said it is a symbol of everything that I have endured.  Faith has gotten me to where I am today, hope is what sustains me today and courage is what strengthens me for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is not just another day to us.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a new family adventure.

Ultrasound #1 and #2

This is not a picture of my follicles, but it gives you an idea as to what the ultrasound image looks like.

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound and it went really well.  If you remember from our first appointment with Dr. Slater, we were told that the ideal situation would be for me to have 25 eggs good enough for extraction, 16 of which would mature enough to be fertilized with Nic's sperm (via ICSI).  Of those 16, only five or six will be transferable.   As of yesterday I was sitting at a total of 24 follicles(immature eggs). 12 of these follicles were measuring above 12 mm (the minimum size), with the potential of six follicles to grow to at least 12.  We discussed the possibility of pushing up my extraction date to Sunday, but Kim (my nurse) wasn't sure if we were there just yet.

Today I returned for my second ultrasound and received even BETTER news.  I'm still sitting at 24 follicles, but I now have 17 follicles higher than 12mm (with a few measuring at or ove 20-really good number) and the potential of THREE more reaching the minimum size requirement.  So, there is potentially 20 out of 24 eggs that will be extracted!  Now, whether they mature enough once extracted is another thing all together, but my thought process is: if I have a higher count follicles to be extracted,  there is a chance I will have a higher number of those that mature enough.  My could be totally wrong in my thought process as there really is NO guarantee of anything, but thinking this way gives me hope.

With my new results, Kim definitely feels that my extraction date will be moved up to Sunday.  I was supposed to have another ultrasound/blood drawal tomorrow (Saturday), but now I will have an instructions class to get me ready for Sunday.  If my extraction date gets moved up, that means I will have to take a HCG trigger shot and another dosage of my Fostimon and Merional (which I am soooo over being on).  I'll get a call later this afternoon which will give me further instruction-I feel like I'm awaiting instructions for a secret mission. . .haha.

Ready or not, here Sunday comes!!

POST-EDIT: I just received my secret mission call from ICRM and extraction is still planned for Monday.  My hormones level are REALLY good, but Dr. Slater wants to still proceed as originally planned.  Instead of an instruction class tomorrow I will have another ultrasound.  Hopefully, even more follicles have grown :)

Bruises, Bloating, and swelling-oh my!

(TMI WARNING!!!!! TMI WARNING!!!!)

Taking Lupron really wasn't that bad.  I mean, it made me a little crazy, but I felt that I could still function.  But the Fostimon and Merional combo is a completely different story. Not only have I been bruised-which I realize is more so from being injected, but I have been super sore, bloated & swollen, and tired.

Along my injections sites have been super tender.  I have to be mindful of where my pants sit, because if the pressure is along my sites, I am in complete discomfort. I made the mistake of putting on a belt shortly after Nic had given me my injections for the day, and boy did I pay for it.  I was MISERABLE! I have resorted to wearing scrubs, yoga pants, or sweat pants whenever possible.  COMFORT has been my key word of the day for the last week. Not only is it sore along my injection sites, but just my stomach in general. I told Nic the other day that it feels like my stomach is being pushed out and then stretched vertically.  No bueno.  I also have to be careful going over speed bumps. I made the mistake of not slowing down enough to go over a speed bump and it hurt so bad I had to laugh.  It hurt my stomach, my injection sites (which are in my stomach) and my boobs.

Yes, my boobs.  Another blessing and curse that we as women have been given.  I could always tell when my cycle was getting ready to start because my boobs would get a little tender, but this is a complete different ball game.  I stand up-they hurt.  I sit down-they hurt.  They hurt when I sleep on my side and they make me want to scream bloody murder when G decides to jump knees first into them.  Truth be told, if I could go bra-less, I totally would. 

Another thing, I'm super tired!  All I want to do is just sleep.  Thursdays-Saturdays are my busy days at work.  The first day I started Fostimon and Merional was a Thursday and that was a TOUGH day to get through.  I started out at my office with two appointments and then two more at the spa.  I was super tired by the time I got to the spa.  All I wanted to do was a take a nap!  Usually I can do five to six massages a day and still feel good, but now after two, sometimes just one, I am beat!  I put G down for a nap, I take a nap.  When I come home from work, I want to take a nap.  Often times if I sit down on the couch, I doze off; as soon as my head hits the pillow for the night I am out!

Nic has been a trooper and stepping up and helping (even more than he did before).  I am so lucky to have him as my other half.  Not only is he a great daddy, but he's a wonderful hubby as well.  G and I are so lucky to have him be a part of our lives.

Soon enough I'll be off the meds only to have my body become bloated and swelling for other reasons. Oh the joys of trying to be fertile :)

  

"We're not the exception, we're the rule."

The above clip is from the movie "He's Just Not That Into You."  I think it's totally funny, and at times, I feel quite embarrassed for GiGi (the main character), and I can relate to some of the things she went through.  Sigh.  So glad I don't have to go through that awkwardness anymore.

If you haven't seen the movie, GiGi meets a guy who tells her the rule of dating and she shares it with her friends (the video above), and after some thinking there's is definitely an "exception" and "rule" in the adoption/infertility community.

Four years ago when Nic and I were starting the adoption process, people were very excited for us, but they also had a story to share.  "My brother and his wife adopted and then a year later she was pregnant" or "So and so were adopting and they found out they were pregnant and now their two children are just a a couple of months" or the one I recently saw on my friends FB page "a friend of ours 'couldn't' have babies either so her sister offered to carry their baby, it took and they were thrilled to finally be pregnant. . .six weeks later they find out she is pregnant! it was remarkable and to make it even crazier the day her sister went into labor she did too from the excitement so both babies same parents. . .two different wombs born the same day!" While these stories are great and wonderful.  They are the exception.  The rule would be be just because you adopt, or because you have a gestational carrier, or because you simply "stop stressing about it" does not mean you will become pregnant. The rule would be, it will happen when it's supposed to happen; and say what you want about "destiny", but I'm a firm believer that there is purpose in everything and things happen when they're supposed to happen.

People will still share their stories of their friend, and they're brother's wife's cousin, and whoever else in hopes of giving people hope, but I think sometimes it can create false hope-especially, if people have not found peace in their trial.  Yes, infertility and adoption are filled with so many ups and downs and the pains of loss come and go, but I really feel that if you're not at peace with the trial that is before you and your husband, you grasp at straws to find as much hope in the possibility as possible.  When someone, out of caring, shares these "exception" stories, it can make one think "it might happen. It just might happen," when truth be told it just might` NOT happen; which in turn leads to heart break.  I don't say that to burst anyone's bubble or to be a "Negative Nancy," I say it to be honest.  People who tell these stories, their intentions are good, but sometimes it does more harm than good.

When people would share their "exception" stories with me, I would just smile and nod and in the back of my mind think: Really dude?  I'm glad you're sharing, but the the likelihood that would really happen is pretty slim. Nic and I, we're the rule, and we're okay with that. We did not adopt in hopes of becoming pregnant. When we started the process of growing our family, we felt we needed to explore both IVF and adoption (at the same time).  A few months later, we felt adoption was how we needed to grow our family.  It took us three years to find our sweet birth mom and have G join our family. Adoption wasn't a "solution" to a problem.  Adoption wasn't a pit stop on our way to IVF.  Adoption was divinely guided into our lives (those who know our WHOLE story, know this.  For those who don't know, I will share later). We never once stopped thinking about becoming pregnant; even if the thought of pregnancy was just subconsciously there-it was still there.  And though we did hope that we would have children earlier in our marriage, we are so grateful for our sweet baby G and our other children that are yet to be.  We are grateful for the Lord's timing in things-though, truth be told his timing of IVF still has me scratching my head. . .haha.

In just seven days, our lives will begin a journey that can potentially change our family's life. SEVEN days-wow!

Round 2

Yes, this is a picture of my fat roll while Nic gives me one of my injections. Pardon the excess of skin (and groceries on the floor).

Today I started round two of my injections: Fostimon and Merional and Jana was right-I can definitely feel these injections more.  Ouch!

We didn't think I would be able to start this round of injections because good ol' mother nature hadn't come to visit me, but they checked my estradiol and we were given the all clear to go ahead and start.  Nic gets to play mad scientist with this round of meds, as he is having to measure and mix a lot of different medications. I tried not to hover the first day, but it was really hard not too.  I knew he would get it right, but the worrier in me wanted to be sure; especially since we decided to not have our second injection class, as Jana went over this procedure and dosage at our first class.

For the most part, I feel I've been doing good with the meds.  I do have bouts of dizziness and nausea, so I just have to make sure I have something in my stomach-which means I'm eating about every two hours.  I try to make whatever I eat healthy, but sometimes it's really hard when your body is craving salt (sunflower seeds) or sugar (soda or cookies).  The other day I had a craving for a BLT with avocado, but my favorite restaurant next to the spa was closed-bummer :(. But on the flipside, if I eat something that I thought I wanted, and it doesn't sit right with me-I get sick too (today it was a grilled cheese sandwich). I guess kudos to me because I've lost 5 pounds since I've started the meds, though not the way I would have liked. . .haha. I did one have bad episode with the Lupron last week and it was horrible!

They call it "loopy Lupron" for a reason, because let me tell you I was a total mess, my emotions and thoughts were all over the place.  I spent a good portion of the day just crying.  And it wasn't just small little tears, but the big blubbery crying tears.  I would be sweeping and just start crying.  Doing laundry and I would cry.  Feeding G and I would cry.  That time I felt really bad for crying, which made me cry even more.  Luckily, my sweet little girl took a look at her mommy and came over and gave me a hug.  So tender.  When Nic came home from work, I told him that I just needed to take a break.  Took a hot shower (and yes, I cried some more) and then took a nap.  After my nap, I felt a little more rejuvenated just really drained.

Going through this process of things has been filled with ups and downs.  Luckily, Nic tries to be as understanding as possible.  I know it's hard for him to see my emotions all over the place, but he does whatever he can to make sure I'm okay.  He takes such good care of me that sometimes I need to remember he has needs too.  I'm not the only one going through the IVF.  Yes, I'm getting all the procedures done, but it's an emotional journey as well.  And Nic is there every step of the way.

Next week will be filled with blood tests and ultrasounds (practically every day) to make sure my body is ready for my first procedure-egg retrieval.  Wow!  It will be here before we know it.

Getting Knocked Up

Money is in (via a loan from my parents which we will be working hard to pay back-Neveyah Designs will ‘officially’ launch soon) and now it’s time to share the dirty details.  Remember how I said things will get a little TMI around here, well the next few posts that you see from me will definitely be TMI (just re-warning you). Okay, so here are the details:

I stopped taking birth control (BC) on Thursday, which means in a few days Mother Nature should come visit me.  On August 30^th, we will head back to ICRM for another ultrasound to make sure everything looks good (eggs, lining, and everything else). I’m assuming everything will be A-Okay as there haven’t been any problems thus far.   September 4^th , 6^th , 7^th , and 8^th I will go in for blood work.  This blood work will check my hormone levels to make sure they are where they need to be to begin the procedure. 

September 10^th is the anticipated egg retrieval date.  I think I’m more nervous about this day than the actual transfer day because of the possibility of pain.  When my friend had the retrieval procedure done, her husband told me he felt so bad for her because she could hardly walk afterwards.  They want to try and retrieve as many eggs as possible, so they go with the “No man (egg) left behind” kind of attitude and scrape EVERYTHING that they possibly can.  I’m a fan of walking and chasing after my crazy, energetic one year old, so being in pain while I try to keep up with her isn’t exactly what I would call “fun.”

After the retrieval, Nic’s champion swimmers will be injected into each of my eggs (I’m not sure if it’s a one to one ratio or just what).  And then our potential embryos will be watched in a petri dish by the wonderful lab technicians at ICRM.  They monitor them to make sure they are growing properly.  After three days (this would be September 13rh) of careful monitoring, and many prayers by us, they will transfer 2 embryos back into my anxiously waiting uterus.  The other embryos (hopefully 3, remember?) will be frozen to be used at a later date.  There is a slight possibility that our potential embryos would have to be monitored for five days, but at an extra $450, we’re going to try to avoid that as much possible. 

Once they embryos have been transferred into my uterus, I am instructed to have 2 days of what they call “Princess Days.” I am to do absolutely nothing but lie on the couch.  No laundry, no dishes, no stairs, and (sadly) no lifting of small children.  The no stairs and no lifting small children is what really sucks the most.  My bedroom is upstairs.  So, I will be confined to sleeping on the couch for three days (day of the procedure and two “Princess Days”).  Luckily, we have a full bath down stairs so I don’t have to worry about being stinky, but the kitchen is upstairs (our house is three levels)-only 4 stairs, but going up and down them multiple times probably isn’t the best idea.  Our bedroom (and Little G’s room) is upstairs too-the third level.  We’re not quite sure how we are going to manage everything, especially with the slight possibility that Nic will be working a second job soon but we know everything will work out.

After my “Princess Days” we just get to wait around until day 7 of post transfer (September 20^th) and I will take my first (blood drawn) pregnancy test.  They want to see if I have elevated HCG, but typically there is no positive or negative reading of pregnancy.  Day 10 is what really matters.  Day 10 (September 23^rd ) is whether we will find out for sure whether or not there is a Little Wardling that decided to make its self comfortable and settle down for nine months.  When pregnancy is confirmed, ICRM will monitor me for 10 weeks (2 more ultra sounds within those 10 weeks) and then release me to my OBGYN-which I still need to find.  I’ve gone, at least, four years without having an OBGYN, largely impart to the HORRIBLE experience we had with my last Dr.  So, I better start hustling in finding one.

It’s crazy to think that by the end of the month, we will know if Little G is going to be a big sister!  And with my sharing of our story being so public, Nic and I have decided on two things.  One, when it’s time for me to go get my blood work done to determine pregnancy; he will not go with me.  Having to go the extra mile to get pregnant, has taken out the element of surprise.  So, Nic will not be going with me to find out.  We have agreed that after three days of my blood work I will tell him the results.  I’ve always thought it so cute to see these fun little ways that wives had announced pregnancy to their husbands, and I wanted to have that.  We got to do that when we announced being matched with our birth mom to our friends and family, so I wanted to be able to do something special.  Just for Nic.  And as much as I know it will pain him to wait, Nic has agreed-such a loving husband.  Which brings me to the next thing we decided; we will not be sharing our news (positive or negative) with friends and family for a while.  There hasn’t been an “official” time span determined, but we just want time to ourselves to process things.  Everyone will be on pins and needles I’m sure, but we ask that you please be patient and don’t ask.  And trust me, it will be super hard for me not to share the wonderful good news with everyone, but this is what we feel is best for our little family.  

So, keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  And send us plenty of baby vibes. The next couple of weeks are sure going to be an adventure for us!

"A baby of your very own"

(This is part of a conversation I had  with a friend I hadn't seen in a while-after telling her about our grand IVF adventure)

"Wow!  That is way cool for you guys.  Aren't you so excited to have a baby of your very own?!"
I could tell she was waiting for a response from me, but there was only silence.  Truth be told, I just wasn't quite sure how to answer her question just yet.

Friend stumbles over her words "I mean, I know G is yours, but, I mean, you get to have a baby that comes from you."

"Nic and I are very excited for our sweet baby (or two) to come. For 6 years we never thought we would have biological children, we mourned that loss.  Then we were matched with our birth mom and sweet G joined our family and immediately my heart knew she was ours.  She is my very own."

Yes, baby girl is not "of my flesh" but she is of my heart and the heart of her daddy (whom she has wrapped around her little finger).  When we first saw her we knew she was ours.  When we first held her, we knew it even more.  To love a child as "your very own" does not mean that they need to come from your flesh.  You love a child as your very own because you give them your heart.  Children have our hearts, G has ours.  She had our hearts the first time we heard hers.  She was real to us.

G made us parents.  That is something that can't be taken away from her.  SHE allowed us to begin a new chapter in our lives.  SHE opened up a new part of our hearts that we didn't even knew existed.

I wasn't bothered by what my friend said.  And it's not the first time someone has said something along those lines.  One of the girls that I worked with asked how we would explain to our children that G is adopted and the others are not.  Easy-it's THEIR birth story.  Every birth story is different.  We are teaching G about her birth mom.  We show her pictures, tell G her birth story.  We will do the same thing with our other children.  Our family story is different, but oh so amazing.  Just like G was an answer to many prayers, so is the next baby (or two-for reals, I keep thinkin' twins!) that joins our family.  They each joined our family differently, but their birth story is equally as special.  A friend said it best when she said we were creating a great story (of our family) one that is driven by faith and miracles.

G is our very own.  Any other children that join our family, no matter how, are our very own.

My life for the next 3 1/2 weeks

Do you see all that?  That's a lot of drugs.  For the next three and a half weeks this will be my life. . .well, and Nic's life too as he will be giving me the injections.

Today we returned to ICRM for our injection class.  Jana walked us through the steps in giving me my Lupron shot.  Nic was very eager and just wanted to keep touching everything.  It was almost like a kid in a candy store. . .haha!  Once the syringe was filled, Jana told Nic that he would have to give me the injection in my stomach.  I had just barely pulled up shirt and Nic about jumped out of his seat ready to poke me.  I had to tell him "Babe, wait! Wait, wait wait! Okay, just give me a second. . ." I pause, take a deep breath and start whispering to myself "I trust you. . .I trust you."  Yes, I trust my husband-trust him with my life, but when you're used to dr's, nurses, NP's and whoever else poking you with needles you really have to wrap your head around the fact that your HUSBAND will be poking you instead.

"You ready babe?"
"I trust you. I trust you."
"Okay."  Pinches my stomach and inserts the needle.

It really wasn't that bad.  Jana said because it's such a low dose of the Lupron (10 units) I would hardly feel anything, but when I start taking the Fostimon and Merional those are higher dosages (3 and 1 vials) and I'll be able to feel them more-awesome!  I felt really good today until this evening, my stomach is a little sore.  In two weeks I'll start taking the Fostimon and Merional injections (in addition to the Lupron). I will also continue the oral medications as well (prenatal vitamins, birth control, baby aspirin, and doxy).  My body is just going to be it's only little pharm party.

ICRM gave us a calendar outlining when I start and stop certain meds, but I'm more of a checklist type of gal, so I made my own little checklist.  Nerd, I know. . .or just like to make things a little difficult (as my massage instructor would say).  But, I feel more organized, and let's admit-a little more in control, with my checklist. 

ICRM's calendar on top and my wonderful checklist on the bottom 

I can't believe that in a short weeks we will be taking major steps in our lives to grow our family.  Wow!

Where we stand right now

Right now am I feeling very overwhelmed.  I start taking the medications on Thursday (very nervous about that-mostly the reactions), the deadline to have our money in is fast approaching (August 30th), and on Friday we received news that the ICSI procedure that we thought was going to be half way, is actually going to be FULL price AND we can not apply for ACCESS. Nic called ICRM and explained to them the information we received and there simple answer was "Sorry, you were given wrong information and that's not how things work." So that means we have to come up with an additional $850, making our actual total for the whole procedure a little over $6,000 AND we will now have to pay full price for all the additional services.  Never mind that the aforementioned total does NOT include additional blood work and ultrasounds (3 or 4 more) that I will get before the procedure.  Nor does it include the anesthesia, or the lab fees for the hatching process. The total does not include the embryo storage.  Bottom line: the total really doesn't include "the total." BLAH!!!!!

To date, we have paid over $3,500-about half of which we received from friends and family and the other half Nic and I some how came up with.  If you were to ask me how, I wouldn't be able to tell you.  It was as if money just suddenly appeared.  But right now I'm having a hard time believing that another $6-$8,000 is just going to fall from the sky.

We were hoping that we would be able to come up with all the money and not have to finance it, but it's looking like we're going to have to.  Which makes me nervous.  That's a lot of money, especially where we are still trying to pay off our car (which we will probably end up selling in hopes of getting the value of it, paying off the loan and putting the remaining amount towards IVF.  A girl can hope, right?).  I guess the "upside" to financing it is that we will have more time to do fundraising.

The only thing that has pulled with me through is faith.  A LOT of faith.  Well, faith and prayer.  It seems since Friday I have been praying every spare minute I have-in the shower, rocking baby girl to sleep, driving, doing dishes (okay, I don't do dishes very often, but when I do I'm praying), cleaning up after Hurricane Baby G hit the living room. . .I'm praying everywhere.  I have felt comfort and peace, but then I start thinking about things again and fear and doubt creep in.

I know it will work out.  I just have to keep telling myself "Heavenly Father hasn't brought us this far for things to fall apart."  But can I ask for a couple of things: prayers.  I felt the strength of prayers from our friends and family while we were in the hospital for a few days after Baby G was born.  I know there is strength, comfort and peace in prayers. And finally, if you're distant relative of mine or Nic's and you have a few thousand dollars to spare, could you send some dinero our way? ;)

Carrying a burden

Just a sweet picture of my baby girl giving spaghetti besos :)

After our appointment with Jana I spent the afternoon panicking and trying to crunch numbers as to how we could possibly make this work.  That evening I had to drive into Boise for work and on the way I had a serious conversation with my Heavenly Father, a majority of it that was spent crying.

First, I pleaded for him to sustain my faith.  I knew I was super stressed as to how all of this was going to work and I needed his help to sustain my faith.  I needed the soft gentle reminder (and comfort) that everything would be okay.   He gave it to me.  Then my thoughts turned to this little ol' blog, and words just started dumping out of my mouth.

My whole purpose behind the blog was to tell our story and journey and give infertility a voice.  I try to be as  honest as possible and express any thoughts I may have.  In writing, I often feel like I am not only sharing my thoughts and feelings, but also those of people who feel like they don't have a voice.  Ridiculous, I know-especially because I don't know who (if anyone) is even reading my blog.  This is just the unnecessary pressure I put on myself (I tend to do this with a lot of things in my life-need to work on that). ANYWAYS, back to my prayer-in realizing this burden I've placed on myself, I asked that this burden (of the blog) be removed for me.  As the words left my mouth, tears began streaming down myself and I realized I wasn't asking that he remove the burden of the blog from me, but that I was asking him to remove the burden of infertility from me.  More tears began to stream down my face, and I began thinking of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, asking the "cup to pass from from him" if it be the will of the Lord.  My answer to have this burden removed, was a very peaceful feeling and reminder that I am strong enough to endure.  That I am strong enough to overcome whatever comes my way.  

For whatever reason, a reason I may never understand or know, my husband and I have been given the trial of infertility.  It's hard (I know, I know, it seems like the same sad story that you've heard from me over and over but these are just thoughts/feelings/experiences that I'm having as of late).  I'm lucky to have been blessed with more good days than bad, but that's only years after mourning and healing from the idea of "what if it (children) never happens."

The burden of infertility is a heavy load, but I hope by sharing my story I'm giving you the gift of understanding-understanding what your sister, cousin, aunt, friend, or whomever could possibly be going through.  For my sisters who are struggling with infertility, I hope that I am giving you comfort that you may seek and the knowledge that you are not alone.

Assume the Position: Water Ultrasound and Plan of Care with ICRM-Part II

(CLICK HERE to read Part I-if you missed it)

After the water ultrasound, we met with Jana.  Can I just say that I LOVE all the staff at ICRM.  They are all so friendly and are always smiling (smiles are a big deal to me). . .anyways back to Jana.

As we sat across from her in her office, I began to feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach.  All of a sudden I was hit with the very realness of the situation.  We were given another folder with my paperwork to review and consents to sign.  The paperwork to review is just FAQ's regarding IVF, commonly used IVF acronyms (there are A LOT-I will list later), list of side effects (with medications-yay! Blah!!), my calendar/schedule of shots and appointments, and consent forms.  The consent forms are pretty lengthy: consent to cryopreserve Nic's sperm (long-term storage), consent for birth control, consent for administration of low dose aspirin (I will be taking children's aspirin), consent for administration of Leuprolide Acetate-Lupron (let me tell ya the side effects from this drug are awesome-blah!), consent for administration of gonadotrophins, HCG or clomiphene, consent for IVF and embryo transfer, consent for cryopreservation of embryos, consent for injection of sperm into human egg-ICSI.  Whew!  Were you able to keep up with all of that?  I know I barely could when she was talking about it.

After all the consent forms we went through my calendar.  This is where the butterflies really started fluttering about and I started to get a tad bit nervous.  I think I may have pinched myself a time or two as she was going through everything.  Injections start August 16th and September is when everything "exciting" happens.   I'll be having blood draws (to measure hormones) and ultrasounds (to assess follicles and endometrial lining).  The anticipated day of retrieval is September 10th.  The anticipated date of embryo transfer is September 13th or 15th.  Then 10 days after the transfer, I will take a pregnancy test to see if the procedure worked.  Amazing, right?!  Amazing and unbelievable all at the same time.

After the excitement of everything, came the moment my heart dropped.  We started talking more about the medications and the class we would be taking.  We discussed getting discounted medications since we do not have insurance (baby girl does) and everything is 100% out of pocket.  She gave us a website to go to so we could order half of the medications (the other half will be order through WalGreens Fertility Services).  Jana gave us the quantity we needed to order for Fostimon (FSH) and Merional (HMG).  I saw the price listings next to the quantity and began doing the math in my head.  My heart rate started to pick up.  Then the major kick to my gut: we needed to order the meds TODAY (the day of our appointment)!  I thought we had at least another month to order the meds (or at least 2-3 weeks) so the fact that we had to order them today (!!!), well the planner in me was NOT prepared for that.  I was especially not prepared as to how we were to come up with a little over $1,000 to pay for these meds (ESPECIALLY because we just paid over $700 for our appointment).

As soon as we got in the car I started the word vomit to Nic: "How are we going to get these meds?  We need to order them today! Where are we going to get $1,000?!  We have no extra money whatsoever!  How is this going to work?" Pure panic set in.  My poor sweet husband, always having to be there to calm me down when I'm freaking out things.  He just seems to calm down all my panic with five simple words: "It will all work out."  And he was right, it did.

Some how, in a span of three days we were able to come up with the money we needed to order the meds.  If you were to ask me how, I wouldn't be able to tell you.  I can't remember the details of everything.  It just worked.  Extra money came in (I know that we did get a donation from a family member); we were able to somehow scrounge up the money.  I know it was the Lord's doing.  There's just no other way to explain it.

Half of my meds are in (we already received the meds that we ordered on-line) and we are waiting to hear back from the WalGreen's pharmacy as to how much those meds are going to be (gulp!) and then we will get those ordered and be ready to go for our injection class on the 16th-crazy!

Now, to just come up with the rest of the money for the actual procedure. . .

Shandy Vogt Photography Winner(s)

Remember this AWESOME offer from Shandy Vogt Photography?  Well, in THREE MINUTES this special offer was snagged and it was an engagement session.  The couple that one is actually a friend of ours and we were so excited for her and her soon to be :) The bride to be picked the location and came up with the ideas for the picture props.  With her ideas and Shandy's amazing skills, it was a winning combo!  Check out the images.  Congrats again to the happy couple.

 This image below is my FAVORITE!!

Next Fundraiser: Mini Photo Shoots

After Shandy approached me with her FABULOUS deal (images from shoot to come soon!), she and I discussed other things that I could do and we both thought offering mini photo shoots would be a great offer.  So, Elaine Ward Photography is coming out of retirement to offer this special deal to a handful of people :)

                                               
             

The IVF Mini Photo shoots will be 30 minute long sessions, with 10 of your best images on CD with print release for $125 (a savings of $100).  You also have the option to order professional prints at a 30% discount (price sheet can be provided if interested).

I have reserved Saturday, August 11th for the photo shoot day and have 10 slots available.  4 slots are in the morning (8am-11am) and 6 slots in the evening (4:30pm-8:30pm).  The photo shoots will take place at Katherine Albertson Park in Boise.  

If you are interested, you can email me at: ward_family_2005@hotmail.com.  

Can't wait to have you schedule your session!

Post Edit: People have asked for more samples of my work.  If you're a friend of mine on FB, you have seen plenty of the images I have taken.  But if you're not, you can visit Elaine Ward Photography, as this was my blog when I had a business as a photographer.