Carrying a burden

Just a sweet picture of my baby girl giving spaghetti besos :)

After our appointment with Jana I spent the afternoon panicking and trying to crunch numbers as to how we could possibly make this work.  That evening I had to drive into Boise for work and on the way I had a serious conversation with my Heavenly Father, a majority of it that was spent crying.

First, I pleaded for him to sustain my faith.  I knew I was super stressed as to how all of this was going to work and I needed his help to sustain my faith.  I needed the soft gentle reminder (and comfort) that everything would be okay.   He gave it to me.  Then my thoughts turned to this little ol' blog, and words just started dumping out of my mouth.

My whole purpose behind the blog was to tell our story and journey and give infertility a voice.  I try to be as  honest as possible and express any thoughts I may have.  In writing, I often feel like I am not only sharing my thoughts and feelings, but also those of people who feel like they don't have a voice.  Ridiculous, I know-especially because I don't know who (if anyone) is even reading my blog.  This is just the unnecessary pressure I put on myself (I tend to do this with a lot of things in my life-need to work on that). ANYWAYS, back to my prayer-in realizing this burden I've placed on myself, I asked that this burden (of the blog) be removed for me.  As the words left my mouth, tears began streaming down myself and I realized I wasn't asking that he remove the burden of the blog from me, but that I was asking him to remove the burden of infertility from me.  More tears began to stream down my face, and I began thinking of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, asking the "cup to pass from from him" if it be the will of the Lord.  My answer to have this burden removed, was a very peaceful feeling and reminder that I am strong enough to endure.  That I am strong enough to overcome whatever comes my way.  

For whatever reason, a reason I may never understand or know, my husband and I have been given the trial of infertility.  It's hard (I know, I know, it seems like the same sad story that you've heard from me over and over but these are just thoughts/feelings/experiences that I'm having as of late).  I'm lucky to have been blessed with more good days than bad, but that's only years after mourning and healing from the idea of "what if it (children) never happens."

The burden of infertility is a heavy load, but I hope by sharing my story I'm giving you the gift of understanding-understanding what your sister, cousin, aunt, friend, or whomever could possibly be going through.  For my sisters who are struggling with infertility, I hope that I am giving you comfort that you may seek and the knowledge that you are not alone.