Defriending

It has recently come to my attention some friends have deleted me or blocked me from Facebook (I have only learned this because friends of friends have told me) because I'm sharing too much of my life.  To that, I just laugh.

This is MY story.  You don't have to like it and you don't have to read it.  Truth be told, I really don't know how many people truly read this and it doesn't matter.  I have found my voice.  I have chronicled my journey of IVF so others that may have to endure this have an idea of what to expect.  I have shared the emotional roller-coaster so women can know that they are not alone, and it's okay if you're a little emotionally unstable at times.

By sharing my story, people have reached out to me, sharing their stories.  I've created my own little family of Infertility Warrior Queens and I love it!  If my story is too real for you, then "Defriend" away.

2ww

Any of my friends that have gone through an IVF understand exactly what that means.  2ww stands for 2 Week Wait.  And let me tell you,  it. has. been. TORTURE!!!!  The 2ww is the length of time between embryo transfer and when you a) get a positive pregnancy test {fingers and toes crossed} or b) period begins.

The first part of this journey was filled with ultrasounds, daily shots, more ultrasounds, and blood tests, but now there is nothing else to do but wait; well, that and search Google for any possible indication that any symptoms could possibly result in a BFP (Big Fat Positive pregnany test-one of many acronyms I learned while trolling Google.) I have also discovered this little gem, the IVF Due Date Calculator.  

Since I was on bed rest for the first three days, it was easy to not wonder "what if" because I was too busy being bored out of my mind and completely uncomfortable, but now that I have the freedom to roam the house (and made the mistake of taking a week and a half off from work) I only have time to wonder "what if."  On Facebook, I belong to a couple of selling groups and whenever I see baby item postings I just want to say "If you still have this in 3 months, let me know!"  But I don't, because people would think me crazy. . .haha.  Clearly, I have baby(ies) on the brain.

One of the biggest anxieties I have felt during this 2ww is whether or not the remaining embryos (2) made it to Saturday (Sept. 15th) and were able to be frozen.  If they both made it, then statistically speaking (according to Dr. Slater), only one of the two embryos that were implanted should have settled down for nine months, resulting in pregnancy.  Now, if neither of my embryos made it to Saturday, then (statistically to Dr. Slater), both implanted embryos should result in pregnancy.  Dr. Slater told us that we would receive a letter in the mail letting us know what the results were, or, if we wanted, we could call to find out the results of the two remaining embryos.  No thank you!  As curious as I am, I would not been able to have the statistical information weighing over me as I wait to see what new adventures await me and my family.  I know the information Dr. Slater provided us is just a numbers game and there is really no guarantees when it come to statistics, but still, she is the expert.  She has supported research and results, while I only have a prayer in my heart (and the hearts of all of my friends-again THANK YOU!) that this IVF cycle turns out how Nic and I would want it to turn out.

2ww will officially be over September 24th and I'm becoming more and more nervous the closer it gets.   Whatever the results are, we are prepared.

Again, please remember: though I will be finding out the results on Monday (remember, I have three days to tell Nic), we ask that you please be patient with us in sharing the information.  Whether the results be positive or negative, we've decided on a months time to share the information with our friends and family.  We would like time to process everything.  Thank you.

How to deal with Infertility: Sound principles I learned from The Never Ending Story

*Originally posted April 2010

So, a while ago my husband and I bought the two pack DVD of The Never Ending Story and there are some true life applications there. Here are my observations:

1. If you let the sadness over come you, you will die. I've struggled with being infertile and I've had good days and (really) bad days, but I've come up on top-with occasional trips. But if I choose to wallow in my self-pity I wouldn't be happy. And what kind of life is it if you're not happy?

2. If you doubt your worth, you face ultimate destruction. Never question who you are and what your purpose is. You are of infinite worth and have a divine purpose on this earth, though you may feel like you're not fulfilling it. Have faith in yourself and everything else will fall into place.

3. We all have a Falcor in our lives: someone who believes in us and stands by our side. Willing to make the adventure with us. My Falcor? The hubby.

4. When you lose your hope and dreams, the nothing will take control. You have to believe in something to be sure you have a purpose in life.

5. There is a power and a being seeking to destroy us. Plain and simple.

6. I will name my son Atreyu-the hubby just doesn't know it yet.

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home

This shirt is so true for little G. She LOVES her daddy.  She can often be heard walking around the house calling at the top of her lungs "Daaa!" whether he is home or not.

Though it's been hard for me not to really spend time with her, I have loved seeing her with her daddy.  I always knew Nic was such a good daddy, but being able to be on the "outside" and see him spend time with our daughter has been so special for me.

I can see how much he loves G (and how much she really has him wrapped around her finger) and how much she loves her daddy.  I love seeing him prepare her food and change her diapers.  Getting her dressed for the day (some outfit choices have been questionable-to which he has replied "I'm in charge". . .haha). I love seeing him creating memories with her.  I love seeing G eat up every moment that she is spending with her daddy.

I love seeing Nic be a daddy and I can't wait to bring more children into our family.

Making the Decision: Transfer Day (sorry, it's a little long)

Possibly our last picture as a family of three :)

Yesterday morning at 8:23am we received the phone call from ICRM that we had been waiting all week for, to see if we were going to be moving forward with our transfer or holding off until Saturday.  As I had previously said,after talking with Bret, we were hoping for a 5 day embryo transfer. So, I was a little surprised when Jana told us that we had a choice.   

My embryos: four good embryos on top and one no bueno embryo on bottom left 

She explained to us that of the five embryos that fertilized, only four of them looked good for transfer (if we chose to do it today) and had a good cell count-the fifth one only had two cells and the other four had six to eight.  She said that if we didn't do the transfer today, then we could wait until Saturday but they're were also some risks with that.  Ideally, we would want the embryos to keep growing and with a five day transfer the lab is able to pick the most competent embryos for transfer-we will have more information.  There is also a 55% chance of pregnancy resulting in a five day transfer (compared to a 45% chance with a three day transfer), but with all the positive information she also told us that we would run a risk of all the embryos dying.  She said sometimes, for unexplained reasons, the embryos can grow really well in the beginning and then just stop growing (and die), which would leave us with NO embryos for transfer.  She said there is also the chance that everything could continue to grow and all would be well for a Saturday transfer, we just don't know. Jana also told us that she feels Dr. Slater wouldn't have a preference either way, as there hasn't been any abnormalities with any of my test results. She said for us to talk it over and then get back to her.

After weighing out all the options, Nic and I didn't really feel a strong pull either way but we decided that no matter what day we decide to transfer the embryos, ultimately it's up to the Lord and if we are meant to get pregnant it will happen no matter what.  I called Jana back and let her know would proceed forward with today.

We felt good about our decision and went about getting ready for our day.  I spent a good majority of my time lying in bed sending positive thoughts and energy to my uterus.

When we arrive at ICRM, the take me back and give me some Valium, and then Dr. Slater entered the room: "So, I'm just curious, why did you guys decided to do a three day transfer instead of a five day transfer?"  My heart stops for a moment and I look to Nic for guidance.

"Well, when we spoke with Jana she said the embryos looked good today and we had the choice of a transferring today or Saturday.  She said we could also risk the embryos not making it to Saturday"

"Yeah, but there's a chance that the embryos won't make it through today either."  She says something else, to which I don't recall, because now I'm filled with nervousness as to whether or not Nic and I made the wrong decision.  Dr. Slater leaves and I look to Nic and he does his best to comfort me.  He reminds me of why we made our decision.  When Dr. Slater comes back into the room, Nic takes over the appointment because I can feel the tears coming on.

Nic asked Dr. Slater why it would be best to hold off until Saturday as apposed to us doing the transfer today, and she just explains everything we've already heard about the five day transfer. . .we will have more information, we can tell which embryos are the very best, etc.  Dr. Slater tried to stress that with doing a transfer today, while the embryos had a good cell count statistically only 2 out of 3 could result in pregnancy and we really didn't know which two (because there wasn't enough info).  Even with this new info, Nic and I decided to proceed with the transfer.

Me ready and waiting for the embryos to be transferred.

The transfer was a simple procedure.  Kim (my nurse) held the ultra sound wand (externally) to help guide Dr. Slater with the implantation.  After the implantation I rested 20 minutes and listened to some Jack Johnson.  I love Jack Johnson because his music is just so cool and chill and every time I hear any of his songs I just get a big smile on my face and think of my loving husband (he introduced me to Jack Johnson's music)-I figured since I wanted to send good, happy, loving vibes to my uterus this was the perfect choice of music :)

I've been on bed rest the last few days and I am DYING here!  I can only get up to use the rest room or to take a shower.  I want a change of scenery.  I want to cuddle with my baby girl.  This morning Nic had taken the baby gate down (from our living room to kitchen) so my best friend and her little girls would have an easier time getting from where I was to the kitchen (they came to make me breakfast and help Nic-which he TOTALLY appreciated); well, when he and G left for a birthday party, he left the gate down.  I was so, so, soooooooooooooooooooo tempted to go get something from the kitchen (Nic had stocked me up with things I may need, but it wasn't enough).  It was like the kitchen was just screaming my name!  But I knew Nic would kill me, so I was a good girl and stayed put :)

Post transfer has been good.  Nothing too painful.  It just hurts to laugh.  I'm having some cramping, but I can only hope that's a good thing.  The first day home, G came up to me (several times) and kissed my stomach.  She did this without being asked to, so maybe she knows something we don't.  Hurry and get here September 24th (though I know it's going to take FOREVER)!!!

Falling In Love

My wonderful hubby!  Isn't he handsome?  Hubba! Hubba!<3

I am falling in love with this man more and more each day, especially this last week.  Nic is a wonderful husband-the best a girl could ask for.  He is also a FABULOUS dad to our little G.  Sure I get jealous because she would much rather cuddle with her daddy more than with mommy, but that just means she has learned and knows how much her daddy loves her and, honestly, how much more fun he is than mommy (only daddy tosses her in the air and takes her for rides on the four wheeler).

Nic has done so much for our little growing family the last week-taking care of G, taking care of me, cooking meals, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning, waking up with G in the middle of the night (she doesn't usually do this, but I think this last week has been hard for her as well), working hard to grow his business, working hard looking for a second job-the list could just go on and on.  My husband has reminded me of all the reasons I fell in love with him.

I've always said that our journey through infertility has brought us closer together as a couple, and that is not more true than now.  Nic doing everything for me has reminded me that no matter what happens in our life, that I can depend on him and he is there for me and G.  He will be there to support us.

No matter the results of our IVF cycle, I am again grateful for being on this journey with my wonderful, handsome husband.

I love you babe!

The Results Are In!

Well, not the results that you are probably wanting to hear, but the next best thing.

The head lab technician, Bret, from ICRM called to give us the update of our embryos.  Of the 12, nine matured.  Of the nine matured embryos, five fertilized.  He said we would have liked a higher number, but it's still good.  And, really, we are in the scope that Dr. Slater originally told us.  We just have to hope and pray that those five make it to the transfer day.

He said that we are still looking at a 5 day transfer-blah!  I asked him why a 5 day transfer would be the option over the 3 day transfer, and now I'm really hoping for the 5 day transfer.  He said that they want to grow the embryos as much as they can and getting them out to 5 days means they will have reached optimal growth.  If it's just a 3 days transfer, it's because they feel the embryos aren't going to grow as much as it's best to get them inside the uterus in hopes that mother nature takes over and helps them grow and result in pregnancy.  He also said Dr. Slater would do a three day transfer if it looks like only 2 embryos are growing, since she wants to only transfer 2 embryos.  Again, I'm really hoping for the 5 day transfer now because we want more than 2 embryos to grow so we can freeze the others and not have to pay as much for another transfer, Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

Regardless of how things turn out, we know the Lord is over all and He knows what is best for our family.  I just hope this time around He and I are on the same page ;) In two more days we will get another call from ICRM to find out what our next step is.

Again, thank you for your continued prayers.

Egg Retrieval-OUCH!

Me in the recovery room.  I was still a little out of it.

I woke up bright and early at 4:45am to get myself and G ready for us to head to ICRM for my egg retrieval.  My egg retrieval was scheduled for 7am, but I needed to be there at 6:30am for check-in.  Which meant we would need to drop G off at her birth cousin's house at 6am which meant we would need to leave our house at 5:30am to get everywhere on time.  Yes, very early morning.

Besides the staff, Nic and I were the only ones in the office.  I was the first retrieval scheduled for the day, so I was guaranteed to be pulled back on time-score!  At 6:50am Mo, the anesthesiologist, came out and had Nic and I kiss and say our (short) good-byes.  Then she pulled me back to get everything started, but not until she gave me a hug and asked how I was doing :) So sweet.  I really do love the staff at ICRM, they do their best to be so warm and welcoming and just make you feel special.

I was taken back to the operating room and got prepped and ready.  Mo and I were chitchatting about a few things and then last thing I remember is my knees going in the stirrups (so much more comfortable) and Dr. Slater coming into the room asking me if I was ready to get started.  The anesthesia they gave me was a gentle anesthesia where I was able to breathe on my own and not feel or remember anything.  I did wake up near the end of the procedure and felt some extreme discomfort as they were finishing up, but besides that everything went fairly well.  There was just one minor hiccup.

During the procedure it was discovered that my left ovary had somehow moved up and UNDER my uterus-clearly where it's NOT supposed to be.  This made retrieval on this side a little more difficult and a bummer (for me).  As you recall, I had 20 follicles that were ready for retrieval and the really good ones were on my left side.  Well, with my left ovary being under my uterus, Dr. Slater had to do what she could to make retrieval easier on that side; which meant that she had to push down on my ovary to move it.  In doing so, I lost at least 4 eggs, they were basically squished out and Dr. Slater saw them fall.  Since we know we had 20, she said the other four could have fallen out during the process (of moving my ovary) and she just didn't see them.  Ideally, Dr. Slater would have liked to retrieve at least 17 but she assured us that 12 is still a good number.  However, with only 12 being retrieved I'm not sure how many she is hoping will fertilize.  Since she was only able to retrieve 12 eggs, I am extremely grateful that I originally had 20 for retrieval.  If I would have had a lower number of eggs, and my ovary was still under my uterus, I could have possibly even had a lower total egg count, which would have decreased the chances for maturation.  Again, this isn't "scientifically" speaking, this is  "Elaine" speaking to give myself piece of mind :)

Since she had to push down on my ovaries a little more than usual, Dr. Slater said I will be tender and have more pain for a bit longer and she is right.  I wouldn't necessarily call it pain, but I am in extreme discomfort.  I have been confined to my bed (a day of bed rest that we had not anticipated) propped up with pillows and over-sized cushions, with instructions not to lay down until I go to bed tonight.  It is extremely hard to move and adjust my position.  Getting out of bed to use the restroom is extremely difficult and using the restroom is even more uncomfortable. It is also difficult for me to take nice, long, deep breaths because my body is so tender.  But I discovered if I get up and walk around a little bit (though it is a little difficult to get going), it helps with the discomfort.  I also do some small, gentle squats.  I don't know if I should, but it helps.

Now we wait.  This afternoon they injected Nic's sperm into my eggs.  And tomorrow we should get a call from the lab letting us know how the embryos are looking.  Dr. Slater mentioned a five day transfer (another $450-yikes!!), but we could still possibly do a three day transfer.  Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed for a three day transfer. We still don't know how many embryos will mature, but we are hoping for a high number.  Let the waiting and after retrieval to-do's begin.


In you are interested in more details about the retrieval, CLICK HERE for a description from the Pacific  Fertility Center in California.

IVF Rundown

A lot of you had asked questions about the process of IVF and I am always happy to answer them, but  I found a wonderful link that explains the process-in regular person talk and not "dr talk."

CLICK HERE to check it out.

Calm

Tomorrow is the big day.  I can't believe it's finally here.  In April, September seemed so far away and it's here, just one day away.

I had my "Instructions" appointment at ICRM today, where they gave me some to-do's prior to my extraction/retrieval tomorrow and some after to-do's.  I was excitedly greeted by Tami saying "We're here Elaine!  You've made it!" Though, it really has only been five months since we've won our grand-prize, truly it's been six years since the pains of infertility began to tear at me.  But Tami's statement was true: I have made it!

After my appointment Nic asked me how I was feeling and I really didn't have an answer for him.  Not to say that I felt numb, but I'm just calm.  I feel no anxieties. No worries. No stress.  Nothing.  Which is really surprising because I am such a little worry wart.  I think it's the prayers that have been offered by many of you, and to that I say "thank you". Prayers are a wonderful and powerful thing.  Prayers can help miracles happen.  I've seen it.  I know it. These feeling of peace or calm, to me, aren't a sign that things will work how Nic and I will want them too, but is reaffirms to us that no matter what happens, all will be well.  All will be right.

For Christmas Nic bought me a necklace from The R House Couture (there stuff is amazing and so powerful).  It says "Faith, Hope, Courage."  The designers of the necklace said it was for those going through breast cancer or for those that have survived, but Nic bought it for me because it said it is a symbol of everything that I have endured.  Faith has gotten me to where I am today, hope is what sustains me today and courage is what strengthens me for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is not just another day to us.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a new family adventure.

Ultrasound #1 and #2

This is not a picture of my follicles, but it gives you an idea as to what the ultrasound image looks like.

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound and it went really well.  If you remember from our first appointment with Dr. Slater, we were told that the ideal situation would be for me to have 25 eggs good enough for extraction, 16 of which would mature enough to be fertilized with Nic's sperm (via ICSI).  Of those 16, only five or six will be transferable.   As of yesterday I was sitting at a total of 24 follicles(immature eggs). 12 of these follicles were measuring above 12 mm (the minimum size), with the potential of six follicles to grow to at least 12.  We discussed the possibility of pushing up my extraction date to Sunday, but Kim (my nurse) wasn't sure if we were there just yet.

Today I returned for my second ultrasound and received even BETTER news.  I'm still sitting at 24 follicles, but I now have 17 follicles higher than 12mm (with a few measuring at or ove 20-really good number) and the potential of THREE more reaching the minimum size requirement.  So, there is potentially 20 out of 24 eggs that will be extracted!  Now, whether they mature enough once extracted is another thing all together, but my thought process is: if I have a higher count follicles to be extracted,  there is a chance I will have a higher number of those that mature enough.  My could be totally wrong in my thought process as there really is NO guarantee of anything, but thinking this way gives me hope.

With my new results, Kim definitely feels that my extraction date will be moved up to Sunday.  I was supposed to have another ultrasound/blood drawal tomorrow (Saturday), but now I will have an instructions class to get me ready for Sunday.  If my extraction date gets moved up, that means I will have to take a HCG trigger shot and another dosage of my Fostimon and Merional (which I am soooo over being on).  I'll get a call later this afternoon which will give me further instruction-I feel like I'm awaiting instructions for a secret mission. . .haha.

Ready or not, here Sunday comes!!

POST-EDIT: I just received my secret mission call from ICRM and extraction is still planned for Monday.  My hormones level are REALLY good, but Dr. Slater wants to still proceed as originally planned.  Instead of an instruction class tomorrow I will have another ultrasound.  Hopefully, even more follicles have grown :)

Bruises, Bloating, and swelling-oh my!

(TMI WARNING!!!!! TMI WARNING!!!!)

Taking Lupron really wasn't that bad.  I mean, it made me a little crazy, but I felt that I could still function.  But the Fostimon and Merional combo is a completely different story. Not only have I been bruised-which I realize is more so from being injected, but I have been super sore, bloated & swollen, and tired.

Along my injections sites have been super tender.  I have to be mindful of where my pants sit, because if the pressure is along my sites, I am in complete discomfort. I made the mistake of putting on a belt shortly after Nic had given me my injections for the day, and boy did I pay for it.  I was MISERABLE! I have resorted to wearing scrubs, yoga pants, or sweat pants whenever possible.  COMFORT has been my key word of the day for the last week. Not only is it sore along my injection sites, but just my stomach in general. I told Nic the other day that it feels like my stomach is being pushed out and then stretched vertically.  No bueno.  I also have to be careful going over speed bumps. I made the mistake of not slowing down enough to go over a speed bump and it hurt so bad I had to laugh.  It hurt my stomach, my injection sites (which are in my stomach) and my boobs.

Yes, my boobs.  Another blessing and curse that we as women have been given.  I could always tell when my cycle was getting ready to start because my boobs would get a little tender, but this is a complete different ball game.  I stand up-they hurt.  I sit down-they hurt.  They hurt when I sleep on my side and they make me want to scream bloody murder when G decides to jump knees first into them.  Truth be told, if I could go bra-less, I totally would. 

Another thing, I'm super tired!  All I want to do is just sleep.  Thursdays-Saturdays are my busy days at work.  The first day I started Fostimon and Merional was a Thursday and that was a TOUGH day to get through.  I started out at my office with two appointments and then two more at the spa.  I was super tired by the time I got to the spa.  All I wanted to do was a take a nap!  Usually I can do five to six massages a day and still feel good, but now after two, sometimes just one, I am beat!  I put G down for a nap, I take a nap.  When I come home from work, I want to take a nap.  Often times if I sit down on the couch, I doze off; as soon as my head hits the pillow for the night I am out!

Nic has been a trooper and stepping up and helping (even more than he did before).  I am so lucky to have him as my other half.  Not only is he a great daddy, but he's a wonderful hubby as well.  G and I are so lucky to have him be a part of our lives.

Soon enough I'll be off the meds only to have my body become bloated and swelling for other reasons. Oh the joys of trying to be fertile :)

  

"We're not the exception, we're the rule."

The above clip is from the movie "He's Just Not That Into You."  I think it's totally funny, and at times, I feel quite embarrassed for GiGi (the main character), and I can relate to some of the things she went through.  Sigh.  So glad I don't have to go through that awkwardness anymore.

If you haven't seen the movie, GiGi meets a guy who tells her the rule of dating and she shares it with her friends (the video above), and after some thinking there's is definitely an "exception" and "rule" in the adoption/infertility community.

Four years ago when Nic and I were starting the adoption process, people were very excited for us, but they also had a story to share.  "My brother and his wife adopted and then a year later she was pregnant" or "So and so were adopting and they found out they were pregnant and now their two children are just a a couple of months" or the one I recently saw on my friends FB page "a friend of ours 'couldn't' have babies either so her sister offered to carry their baby, it took and they were thrilled to finally be pregnant. . .six weeks later they find out she is pregnant! it was remarkable and to make it even crazier the day her sister went into labor she did too from the excitement so both babies same parents. . .two different wombs born the same day!" While these stories are great and wonderful.  They are the exception.  The rule would be be just because you adopt, or because you have a gestational carrier, or because you simply "stop stressing about it" does not mean you will become pregnant. The rule would be, it will happen when it's supposed to happen; and say what you want about "destiny", but I'm a firm believer that there is purpose in everything and things happen when they're supposed to happen.

People will still share their stories of their friend, and they're brother's wife's cousin, and whoever else in hopes of giving people hope, but I think sometimes it can create false hope-especially, if people have not found peace in their trial.  Yes, infertility and adoption are filled with so many ups and downs and the pains of loss come and go, but I really feel that if you're not at peace with the trial that is before you and your husband, you grasp at straws to find as much hope in the possibility as possible.  When someone, out of caring, shares these "exception" stories, it can make one think "it might happen. It just might happen," when truth be told it just might` NOT happen; which in turn leads to heart break.  I don't say that to burst anyone's bubble or to be a "Negative Nancy," I say it to be honest.  People who tell these stories, their intentions are good, but sometimes it does more harm than good.

When people would share their "exception" stories with me, I would just smile and nod and in the back of my mind think: Really dude?  I'm glad you're sharing, but the the likelihood that would really happen is pretty slim. Nic and I, we're the rule, and we're okay with that. We did not adopt in hopes of becoming pregnant. When we started the process of growing our family, we felt we needed to explore both IVF and adoption (at the same time).  A few months later, we felt adoption was how we needed to grow our family.  It took us three years to find our sweet birth mom and have G join our family. Adoption wasn't a "solution" to a problem.  Adoption wasn't a pit stop on our way to IVF.  Adoption was divinely guided into our lives (those who know our WHOLE story, know this.  For those who don't know, I will share later). We never once stopped thinking about becoming pregnant; even if the thought of pregnancy was just subconsciously there-it was still there.  And though we did hope that we would have children earlier in our marriage, we are so grateful for our sweet baby G and our other children that are yet to be.  We are grateful for the Lord's timing in things-though, truth be told his timing of IVF still has me scratching my head. . .haha.

In just seven days, our lives will begin a journey that can potentially change our family's life. SEVEN days-wow!