Round 2

Yes, this is a picture of my fat roll while Nic gives me one of my injections. Pardon the excess of skin (and groceries on the floor).

Today I started round two of my injections: Fostimon and Merional and Jana was right-I can definitely feel these injections more.  Ouch!

We didn't think I would be able to start this round of injections because good ol' mother nature hadn't come to visit me, but they checked my estradiol and we were given the all clear to go ahead and start.  Nic gets to play mad scientist with this round of meds, as he is having to measure and mix a lot of different medications. I tried not to hover the first day, but it was really hard not too.  I knew he would get it right, but the worrier in me wanted to be sure; especially since we decided to not have our second injection class, as Jana went over this procedure and dosage at our first class.

For the most part, I feel I've been doing good with the meds.  I do have bouts of dizziness and nausea, so I just have to make sure I have something in my stomach-which means I'm eating about every two hours.  I try to make whatever I eat healthy, but sometimes it's really hard when your body is craving salt (sunflower seeds) or sugar (soda or cookies).  The other day I had a craving for a BLT with avocado, but my favorite restaurant next to the spa was closed-bummer :(. But on the flipside, if I eat something that I thought I wanted, and it doesn't sit right with me-I get sick too (today it was a grilled cheese sandwich). I guess kudos to me because I've lost 5 pounds since I've started the meds, though not the way I would have liked. . .haha. I did one have bad episode with the Lupron last week and it was horrible!

They call it "loopy Lupron" for a reason, because let me tell you I was a total mess, my emotions and thoughts were all over the place.  I spent a good portion of the day just crying.  And it wasn't just small little tears, but the big blubbery crying tears.  I would be sweeping and just start crying.  Doing laundry and I would cry.  Feeding G and I would cry.  That time I felt really bad for crying, which made me cry even more.  Luckily, my sweet little girl took a look at her mommy and came over and gave me a hug.  So tender.  When Nic came home from work, I told him that I just needed to take a break.  Took a hot shower (and yes, I cried some more) and then took a nap.  After my nap, I felt a little more rejuvenated just really drained.

Going through this process of things has been filled with ups and downs.  Luckily, Nic tries to be as understanding as possible.  I know it's hard for him to see my emotions all over the place, but he does whatever he can to make sure I'm okay.  He takes such good care of me that sometimes I need to remember he has needs too.  I'm not the only one going through the IVF.  Yes, I'm getting all the procedures done, but it's an emotional journey as well.  And Nic is there every step of the way.

Next week will be filled with blood tests and ultrasounds (practically every day) to make sure my body is ready for my first procedure-egg retrieval.  Wow!  It will be here before we know it.

Getting Knocked Up

Money is in (via a loan from my parents which we will be working hard to pay back-Neveyah Designs will ‘officially’ launch soon) and now it’s time to share the dirty details.  Remember how I said things will get a little TMI around here, well the next few posts that you see from me will definitely be TMI (just re-warning you). Okay, so here are the details:

I stopped taking birth control (BC) on Thursday, which means in a few days Mother Nature should come visit me.  On August 30^th, we will head back to ICRM for another ultrasound to make sure everything looks good (eggs, lining, and everything else). I’m assuming everything will be A-Okay as there haven’t been any problems thus far.   September 4^th , 6^th , 7^th , and 8^th I will go in for blood work.  This blood work will check my hormone levels to make sure they are where they need to be to begin the procedure. 

September 10^th is the anticipated egg retrieval date.  I think I’m more nervous about this day than the actual transfer day because of the possibility of pain.  When my friend had the retrieval procedure done, her husband told me he felt so bad for her because she could hardly walk afterwards.  They want to try and retrieve as many eggs as possible, so they go with the “No man (egg) left behind” kind of attitude and scrape EVERYTHING that they possibly can.  I’m a fan of walking and chasing after my crazy, energetic one year old, so being in pain while I try to keep up with her isn’t exactly what I would call “fun.”

After the retrieval, Nic’s champion swimmers will be injected into each of my eggs (I’m not sure if it’s a one to one ratio or just what).  And then our potential embryos will be watched in a petri dish by the wonderful lab technicians at ICRM.  They monitor them to make sure they are growing properly.  After three days (this would be September 13rh) of careful monitoring, and many prayers by us, they will transfer 2 embryos back into my anxiously waiting uterus.  The other embryos (hopefully 3, remember?) will be frozen to be used at a later date.  There is a slight possibility that our potential embryos would have to be monitored for five days, but at an extra $450, we’re going to try to avoid that as much possible. 

Once they embryos have been transferred into my uterus, I am instructed to have 2 days of what they call “Princess Days.” I am to do absolutely nothing but lie on the couch.  No laundry, no dishes, no stairs, and (sadly) no lifting of small children.  The no stairs and no lifting small children is what really sucks the most.  My bedroom is upstairs.  So, I will be confined to sleeping on the couch for three days (day of the procedure and two “Princess Days”).  Luckily, we have a full bath down stairs so I don’t have to worry about being stinky, but the kitchen is upstairs (our house is three levels)-only 4 stairs, but going up and down them multiple times probably isn’t the best idea.  Our bedroom (and Little G’s room) is upstairs too-the third level.  We’re not quite sure how we are going to manage everything, especially with the slight possibility that Nic will be working a second job soon but we know everything will work out.

After my “Princess Days” we just get to wait around until day 7 of post transfer (September 20^th) and I will take my first (blood drawn) pregnancy test.  They want to see if I have elevated HCG, but typically there is no positive or negative reading of pregnancy.  Day 10 is what really matters.  Day 10 (September 23^rd ) is whether we will find out for sure whether or not there is a Little Wardling that decided to make its self comfortable and settle down for nine months.  When pregnancy is confirmed, ICRM will monitor me for 10 weeks (2 more ultra sounds within those 10 weeks) and then release me to my OBGYN-which I still need to find.  I’ve gone, at least, four years without having an OBGYN, largely impart to the HORRIBLE experience we had with my last Dr.  So, I better start hustling in finding one.

It’s crazy to think that by the end of the month, we will know if Little G is going to be a big sister!  And with my sharing of our story being so public, Nic and I have decided on two things.  One, when it’s time for me to go get my blood work done to determine pregnancy; he will not go with me.  Having to go the extra mile to get pregnant, has taken out the element of surprise.  So, Nic will not be going with me to find out.  We have agreed that after three days of my blood work I will tell him the results.  I’ve always thought it so cute to see these fun little ways that wives had announced pregnancy to their husbands, and I wanted to have that.  We got to do that when we announced being matched with our birth mom to our friends and family, so I wanted to be able to do something special.  Just for Nic.  And as much as I know it will pain him to wait, Nic has agreed-such a loving husband.  Which brings me to the next thing we decided; we will not be sharing our news (positive or negative) with friends and family for a while.  There hasn’t been an “official” time span determined, but we just want time to ourselves to process things.  Everyone will be on pins and needles I’m sure, but we ask that you please be patient and don’t ask.  And trust me, it will be super hard for me not to share the wonderful good news with everyone, but this is what we feel is best for our little family.  

So, keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  And send us plenty of baby vibes. The next couple of weeks are sure going to be an adventure for us!

"A baby of your very own"

(This is part of a conversation I had  with a friend I hadn't seen in a while-after telling her about our grand IVF adventure)

"Wow!  That is way cool for you guys.  Aren't you so excited to have a baby of your very own?!"
I could tell she was waiting for a response from me, but there was only silence.  Truth be told, I just wasn't quite sure how to answer her question just yet.

Friend stumbles over her words "I mean, I know G is yours, but, I mean, you get to have a baby that comes from you."

"Nic and I are very excited for our sweet baby (or two) to come. For 6 years we never thought we would have biological children, we mourned that loss.  Then we were matched with our birth mom and sweet G joined our family and immediately my heart knew she was ours.  She is my very own."

Yes, baby girl is not "of my flesh" but she is of my heart and the heart of her daddy (whom she has wrapped around her little finger).  When we first saw her we knew she was ours.  When we first held her, we knew it even more.  To love a child as "your very own" does not mean that they need to come from your flesh.  You love a child as your very own because you give them your heart.  Children have our hearts, G has ours.  She had our hearts the first time we heard hers.  She was real to us.

G made us parents.  That is something that can't be taken away from her.  SHE allowed us to begin a new chapter in our lives.  SHE opened up a new part of our hearts that we didn't even knew existed.

I wasn't bothered by what my friend said.  And it's not the first time someone has said something along those lines.  One of the girls that I worked with asked how we would explain to our children that G is adopted and the others are not.  Easy-it's THEIR birth story.  Every birth story is different.  We are teaching G about her birth mom.  We show her pictures, tell G her birth story.  We will do the same thing with our other children.  Our family story is different, but oh so amazing.  Just like G was an answer to many prayers, so is the next baby (or two-for reals, I keep thinkin' twins!) that joins our family.  They each joined our family differently, but their birth story is equally as special.  A friend said it best when she said we were creating a great story (of our family) one that is driven by faith and miracles.

G is our very own.  Any other children that join our family, no matter how, are our very own.

My life for the next 3 1/2 weeks

Do you see all that?  That's a lot of drugs.  For the next three and a half weeks this will be my life. . .well, and Nic's life too as he will be giving me the injections.

Today we returned to ICRM for our injection class.  Jana walked us through the steps in giving me my Lupron shot.  Nic was very eager and just wanted to keep touching everything.  It was almost like a kid in a candy store. . .haha!  Once the syringe was filled, Jana told Nic that he would have to give me the injection in my stomach.  I had just barely pulled up shirt and Nic about jumped out of his seat ready to poke me.  I had to tell him "Babe, wait! Wait, wait wait! Okay, just give me a second. . ." I pause, take a deep breath and start whispering to myself "I trust you. . .I trust you."  Yes, I trust my husband-trust him with my life, but when you're used to dr's, nurses, NP's and whoever else poking you with needles you really have to wrap your head around the fact that your HUSBAND will be poking you instead.

"You ready babe?"
"I trust you. I trust you."
"Okay."  Pinches my stomach and inserts the needle.

It really wasn't that bad.  Jana said because it's such a low dose of the Lupron (10 units) I would hardly feel anything, but when I start taking the Fostimon and Merional those are higher dosages (3 and 1 vials) and I'll be able to feel them more-awesome!  I felt really good today until this evening, my stomach is a little sore.  In two weeks I'll start taking the Fostimon and Merional injections (in addition to the Lupron). I will also continue the oral medications as well (prenatal vitamins, birth control, baby aspirin, and doxy).  My body is just going to be it's only little pharm party.

ICRM gave us a calendar outlining when I start and stop certain meds, but I'm more of a checklist type of gal, so I made my own little checklist.  Nerd, I know. . .or just like to make things a little difficult (as my massage instructor would say).  But, I feel more organized, and let's admit-a little more in control, with my checklist. 

ICRM's calendar on top and my wonderful checklist on the bottom 

I can't believe that in a short weeks we will be taking major steps in our lives to grow our family.  Wow!

Where we stand right now

Right now am I feeling very overwhelmed.  I start taking the medications on Thursday (very nervous about that-mostly the reactions), the deadline to have our money in is fast approaching (August 30th), and on Friday we received news that the ICSI procedure that we thought was going to be half way, is actually going to be FULL price AND we can not apply for ACCESS. Nic called ICRM and explained to them the information we received and there simple answer was "Sorry, you were given wrong information and that's not how things work." So that means we have to come up with an additional $850, making our actual total for the whole procedure a little over $6,000 AND we will now have to pay full price for all the additional services.  Never mind that the aforementioned total does NOT include additional blood work and ultrasounds (3 or 4 more) that I will get before the procedure.  Nor does it include the anesthesia, or the lab fees for the hatching process. The total does not include the embryo storage.  Bottom line: the total really doesn't include "the total." BLAH!!!!!

To date, we have paid over $3,500-about half of which we received from friends and family and the other half Nic and I some how came up with.  If you were to ask me how, I wouldn't be able to tell you.  It was as if money just suddenly appeared.  But right now I'm having a hard time believing that another $6-$8,000 is just going to fall from the sky.

We were hoping that we would be able to come up with all the money and not have to finance it, but it's looking like we're going to have to.  Which makes me nervous.  That's a lot of money, especially where we are still trying to pay off our car (which we will probably end up selling in hopes of getting the value of it, paying off the loan and putting the remaining amount towards IVF.  A girl can hope, right?).  I guess the "upside" to financing it is that we will have more time to do fundraising.

The only thing that has pulled with me through is faith.  A LOT of faith.  Well, faith and prayer.  It seems since Friday I have been praying every spare minute I have-in the shower, rocking baby girl to sleep, driving, doing dishes (okay, I don't do dishes very often, but when I do I'm praying), cleaning up after Hurricane Baby G hit the living room. . .I'm praying everywhere.  I have felt comfort and peace, but then I start thinking about things again and fear and doubt creep in.

I know it will work out.  I just have to keep telling myself "Heavenly Father hasn't brought us this far for things to fall apart."  But can I ask for a couple of things: prayers.  I felt the strength of prayers from our friends and family while we were in the hospital for a few days after Baby G was born.  I know there is strength, comfort and peace in prayers. And finally, if you're distant relative of mine or Nic's and you have a few thousand dollars to spare, could you send some dinero our way? ;)

Carrying a burden

Just a sweet picture of my baby girl giving spaghetti besos :)

After our appointment with Jana I spent the afternoon panicking and trying to crunch numbers as to how we could possibly make this work.  That evening I had to drive into Boise for work and on the way I had a serious conversation with my Heavenly Father, a majority of it that was spent crying.

First, I pleaded for him to sustain my faith.  I knew I was super stressed as to how all of this was going to work and I needed his help to sustain my faith.  I needed the soft gentle reminder (and comfort) that everything would be okay.   He gave it to me.  Then my thoughts turned to this little ol' blog, and words just started dumping out of my mouth.

My whole purpose behind the blog was to tell our story and journey and give infertility a voice.  I try to be as  honest as possible and express any thoughts I may have.  In writing, I often feel like I am not only sharing my thoughts and feelings, but also those of people who feel like they don't have a voice.  Ridiculous, I know-especially because I don't know who (if anyone) is even reading my blog.  This is just the unnecessary pressure I put on myself (I tend to do this with a lot of things in my life-need to work on that). ANYWAYS, back to my prayer-in realizing this burden I've placed on myself, I asked that this burden (of the blog) be removed for me.  As the words left my mouth, tears began streaming down myself and I realized I wasn't asking that he remove the burden of the blog from me, but that I was asking him to remove the burden of infertility from me.  More tears began to stream down my face, and I began thinking of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, asking the "cup to pass from from him" if it be the will of the Lord.  My answer to have this burden removed, was a very peaceful feeling and reminder that I am strong enough to endure.  That I am strong enough to overcome whatever comes my way.  

For whatever reason, a reason I may never understand or know, my husband and I have been given the trial of infertility.  It's hard (I know, I know, it seems like the same sad story that you've heard from me over and over but these are just thoughts/feelings/experiences that I'm having as of late).  I'm lucky to have been blessed with more good days than bad, but that's only years after mourning and healing from the idea of "what if it (children) never happens."

The burden of infertility is a heavy load, but I hope by sharing my story I'm giving you the gift of understanding-understanding what your sister, cousin, aunt, friend, or whomever could possibly be going through.  For my sisters who are struggling with infertility, I hope that I am giving you comfort that you may seek and the knowledge that you are not alone.

Assume the Position: Water Ultrasound and Plan of Care with ICRM-Part II

(CLICK HERE to read Part I-if you missed it)

After the water ultrasound, we met with Jana.  Can I just say that I LOVE all the staff at ICRM.  They are all so friendly and are always smiling (smiles are a big deal to me). . .anyways back to Jana.

As we sat across from her in her office, I began to feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach.  All of a sudden I was hit with the very realness of the situation.  We were given another folder with my paperwork to review and consents to sign.  The paperwork to review is just FAQ's regarding IVF, commonly used IVF acronyms (there are A LOT-I will list later), list of side effects (with medications-yay! Blah!!), my calendar/schedule of shots and appointments, and consent forms.  The consent forms are pretty lengthy: consent to cryopreserve Nic's sperm (long-term storage), consent for birth control, consent for administration of low dose aspirin (I will be taking children's aspirin), consent for administration of Leuprolide Acetate-Lupron (let me tell ya the side effects from this drug are awesome-blah!), consent for administration of gonadotrophins, HCG or clomiphene, consent for IVF and embryo transfer, consent for cryopreservation of embryos, consent for injection of sperm into human egg-ICSI.  Whew!  Were you able to keep up with all of that?  I know I barely could when she was talking about it.

After all the consent forms we went through my calendar.  This is where the butterflies really started fluttering about and I started to get a tad bit nervous.  I think I may have pinched myself a time or two as she was going through everything.  Injections start August 16th and September is when everything "exciting" happens.   I'll be having blood draws (to measure hormones) and ultrasounds (to assess follicles and endometrial lining).  The anticipated day of retrieval is September 10th.  The anticipated date of embryo transfer is September 13th or 15th.  Then 10 days after the transfer, I will take a pregnancy test to see if the procedure worked.  Amazing, right?!  Amazing and unbelievable all at the same time.

After the excitement of everything, came the moment my heart dropped.  We started talking more about the medications and the class we would be taking.  We discussed getting discounted medications since we do not have insurance (baby girl does) and everything is 100% out of pocket.  She gave us a website to go to so we could order half of the medications (the other half will be order through WalGreens Fertility Services).  Jana gave us the quantity we needed to order for Fostimon (FSH) and Merional (HMG).  I saw the price listings next to the quantity and began doing the math in my head.  My heart rate started to pick up.  Then the major kick to my gut: we needed to order the meds TODAY (the day of our appointment)!  I thought we had at least another month to order the meds (or at least 2-3 weeks) so the fact that we had to order them today (!!!), well the planner in me was NOT prepared for that.  I was especially not prepared as to how we were to come up with a little over $1,000 to pay for these meds (ESPECIALLY because we just paid over $700 for our appointment).

As soon as we got in the car I started the word vomit to Nic: "How are we going to get these meds?  We need to order them today! Where are we going to get $1,000?!  We have no extra money whatsoever!  How is this going to work?" Pure panic set in.  My poor sweet husband, always having to be there to calm me down when I'm freaking out things.  He just seems to calm down all my panic with five simple words: "It will all work out."  And he was right, it did.

Some how, in a span of three days we were able to come up with the money we needed to order the meds.  If you were to ask me how, I wouldn't be able to tell you.  I can't remember the details of everything.  It just worked.  Extra money came in (I know that we did get a donation from a family member); we were able to somehow scrounge up the money.  I know it was the Lord's doing.  There's just no other way to explain it.

Half of my meds are in (we already received the meds that we ordered on-line) and we are waiting to hear back from the WalGreen's pharmacy as to how much those meds are going to be (gulp!) and then we will get those ordered and be ready to go for our injection class on the 16th-crazy!

Now, to just come up with the rest of the money for the actual procedure. . .

Shandy Vogt Photography Winner(s)

Remember this AWESOME offer from Shandy Vogt Photography?  Well, in THREE MINUTES this special offer was snagged and it was an engagement session.  The couple that one is actually a friend of ours and we were so excited for her and her soon to be :) The bride to be picked the location and came up with the ideas for the picture props.  With her ideas and Shandy's amazing skills, it was a winning combo!  Check out the images.  Congrats again to the happy couple.

 This image below is my FAVORITE!!