Infertility effects more than your reproductive system, it also effects your mind. It changes the way you view your self worth. It changes your relationship and it changes your dreams of the family you thought you would have.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to have five kids. But as the years ticked away in our marriage and there was no "miracle" baby, I began to wonder if I would ever be a mom. Maybe motherhood just wasn't my calling in this mortal life. It made me sad, but I focused on my career, schooling, and then a change of career. I focused on me. I had to focus on something, or else I would have gone completely crazy. But focusing on me didn't take away the emptiness in my heart. I wanted what everyone else seemed to have: I wanted to change diapers and hear little baby giggles. I wanted to hear the thumping of little hands and feet as they followed me around the house.
When we were matched with our birth mom, we were thrilled. Filled with a sense of hope that all I was not lost. In the hospital, when I first laid eyes on our sweet baby girl, I was over come with so much emotion. It was as if all the pain I had from my childless years was gone instantly.
Seeing baby G grow is such a joy; after having her in our lives for six months we knew we wanted her to have another brother or sister soon. But then all the questions begin filling my mind: how are we going to make this happen? Will it ever happen? Do we adopt again? Do we attempt for IVF? How are we going to get the money for it? What if we can't get the money?
With all these unanswered questions running through my mind, I began to think that baby G would be our one and only pride and joy. It's a hard reality; to see the family you've dreamed of slowly slip away from you. Yes we love our baby G with all our heart and she has made our lives so happy, but when you've dreamed of children sharing toys, chasing each other in the back yard, and having a bed full of children greeting you Christmas morning, a part of your heart aches.
Whenever I'm playing with baby G and I hear her laughter, or I see her run to me halfway and then turn and run away quickly (because she wants me to chase her), or if she grabs her blanket to snuggle with us, it makes my heart so happy. And it brings the longing of giving her siblings back to the surface. September is just right around the corner, and I am both nervous and excited. Of course, the "what-if's" creep to my mind, but I don't have time to think about that. Infertility may have delayed the start of our family, but it will not stop us from growing our family.
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