Saying Goodbye

When we went in for our first ultrasound we asked about our frozen embryos.  Kim said she was surprised we hadn't heard anything (as we were supposed to find out one week after our transfer), but she explained that they actually just had an office meeting about these letters because it seemed to be a problem. She told me to get dressed and she would meet us with one of the technicians.

We were met outside by Kim and the head lab technician Bret. He handed me the letter and said "I'm sorry, I don't know why this was never sent.  It's dated one week from your transfer date.  Here you go."  I read the letter.  Our frozen embryos didn't survive.

I had anticipated this, but for some reason reading it made it real and I had to fight the tears as they swelled in my eyes.  To me, they were our future children.  Children that would help fill our home with laughter, joy, and so many memories.  I think what also made this so devastating was the fact that if for some reason the pregnancy didn't make it to term, we would have to start the process all over. . .at FULL PRICE and that's $20k we don't have people.  And even if the pregnancy did make it to full term, then we would still have to come up with an extra $20k to try for another pregnancy.  This is where the sting of infertility comes back and bites me in the butt.  You think you're okay and then BAM! Something sneaks up on you and reminds you of your painful reality.

In hindsight, finding out the remaining embryos didn't survive until after my pregnancy was confirmed,  was probably the best.  Knowing the statistics that Dr. Slater gave me the day of implantation, and knowing myself, I would have started playing the number game in my head, which in turn would have been more stress on me and my body and that wouldn't be good for the {possible} baby that was growing in my body.

Now, we continue to live on a hope and a prayer that everything will be well with this pregnancy.

BFP!

If you're not my friend on facebook, I'm sure you may be wondering where I've been the last couple of months.  Well, here's your answer:

That's right, I'm pregnant!  I am 3.5 months along, and we are beyond excited, though for a small moment I had lost hope.

Remember how I trolled the Internet?  Well, while aimlessly wandering the internet I came across an article that talked about the soonest possible day I could take a pregnancy test post IVF. Since I had taken HCG prior to the extraction and it could interfere with an accurate pregnancy test, so the article stated waiting six days post IVF.  So on the sixth day (September 19th) I tested.  I was both nervous and excited.  I mean, the hopes and dreams of growing our family would be determined by one little + or -. I followed the directions and waited patiently.  I picked it up and stared at that pesky little stick.  There it was a big fat MINUS sign.  My heart was instantly filled with sadness.  I slowly began to feel the walls caving in on me.

I read the instructions again to see the soonest that one could test before their missed period.  Five day.  Yep, I was in that window.  I counted six days from the date of my procedure.  Yep, the 19th.  My heart sank.  It didn't work.  Then my mind began to race: Who can I talk to? Do I tell Nic? I don't want to ruin his birthday.  Why didn't it work? Did I do something wrong? Maybe this just wasn't "our time" to have a baby. . .I did my best to put my happy face on and slowly began to accept the fact that I wasn't pregnant.  The hard part was a couple days later when Nic asked me if I had taken the test yet-Yes I have, but how am I supposed to tell you? I just told him we won't know anything until Monday (September 24th).  Well fast forward to Sunday. . .

After a few days of being sad and disappointed, I was feeling recharged and ready for a beautiful Sunday. I awoke at 6 am needing to use the "facilities."  As I entered the bathroom, I see the pregnancy test box sitting on the counter with one test left.  It was as if the test was calling my name.  I tried to ignore the urge to take another test, especially because I didn't want anymore disappointment, but then I figured what the heck-might was well prepare my heart tomorrow for the 100% negative answer.  I waited the allotted time and take a look.  This time this test looks different-not only from the test I had taken a few days ago, but from ALL the tests I had  taken in my seven years of marriage-there is a faint plus sign in the window!  I couldn't believe it.  I examine the test in better lighting and there it is-definitely a plus sign.  A large part of me wanted to shout for joy, but the other part didn't want to put all my eggs into one basket because it could be a false positive.  I knew I had to wait until Monday to be sure.

Monday morning I went to my appointment and had my blood drawn, for hopefully, what would be the last time. They wished me good luck and told me they would have the results for me at 3:30 pm.  I had to wait 6 hours before I found out-dreadful I tell you!  I tried to keep myself busy with G and doing things around the house, but I found myself checking my phone every 15-30 minutes to make sure it was working and off vibrate.  Finally the time arrived, but no call. I waited 10 minutes.  Nothing.  I started to get anxious.  45 minutes later I get "the call." I took a deep breath and answered.

"Hi Elaine. This is so and so from ICRM, how are you?

"Good.  Just a little nervous."

"Well, we got your test results back and congratulations-you're pregnant!"

My eyes are immediately filled with tears, I can't believe it, "Oh my gosh! Really?"

"Yes and your levels look really, really good.  Congratulations.  We're going to get you transferred over to the front and get you scheduled for your 7 week appointment."

Everything gets scheduled and I'm still in shock.  I can't believe it.  I immediately want to call and tell Nic, but I know I can't simply tell him over the phone.  So I brake "our rule" and call my good friend.  She was beyond excited for us and is willing to help me share the news with Nic.  I told I was going to go to Wal-Mart and buy some newborn diapers and a gift bag and leave it in the back of my car and she can come over later and give it to him as a late birthday gift (her and her hubby couldn't celebrate with us as they were out of town).  We finish dinner and she comes over, hands the gift to him and says "I hope it fits, I wasn't sure about the size."  As he's getting ready to open his gift I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes.  He pulls the diapers out, takes a look at them and says "Sweet!" Then he just places them on his lap like nothing.

My friend and I look at each other, then back at Nic, and say "that's it?! Aren't you excited??"

"Of course I am babe, but I kind'a knew you were pregnant already. You haven't been yourself lately."

"What do you mean I 'haven't been myself'?"  He goes on to explain that he noticed I drank a gallon of orange juice by MYSELF in a day, I've been wanting to nap more lately, and by 5 pm, on a Saturday mind you, I was ready for bed.  "All of those were signs to me that you were definitely pregnant."  I had to chuckle, for a couple of reasons: 1) really, how observant is my husband?  I think some men would have missed those "small" things, I'm blessed with a wonderful man :) and 2) no matter how many times I try to surprise him with things, they always end up ruined.  Not because he purposely goes out of his way to find out, but things just randomly happen that lead to him finding out.  I told Nic that he's no fun to surprise and that next time we find out we're pregnant I'm just going to tell him "yep."  Hahaha.

The first trimester was a little rough; I really had no idea how much work it takes to grow a another person in your body.  I remember telling Nic before our 1st ultrasound "there better be two in there because this is RIDICULOUS!"  I hear in the second trimester you energy returns-can't wait for that.

Just six more months and the little one will be here. Here's to {more} of my dreams coming true  :)