On to the next step

When we met with Dr. Slater earlier this month, I was told to start taking birth control, to start getting my body "on schedule" for IVF.  I was also given a "to-do" list for July, here it is:

1) Call Janna (Plan of Care coordinator) Cycle Day 1 (CD1), or if no menses by July 3rd.

2) Restart birth control CD3.

3) Blood draw for infectious disease by mid July.

4) H2O ultrasound end of July.

5) Plan of care with Janna.

Well, my cycle is getting ready to start (TMI? Probably, but I warned you about that).  Usually Nic and I celebrate my cycle starting ("Yay!  My body is working like it should!!"), but I told him this time it's weird.  Yes, we are excited that I am getting ready to start my cycle, but for the first time (in a LONG while) it was assisted to start AND I will have to be calling another person to report that my menses has started.  Weird.  

By calling ICRM and speaking with Janna, it's really starting to make things real.  I think I'm starting to get a little nervous now, even a little scared.  This next month I'm going to have a lot more interaction with ICRM. Then August.  Then BAM!  September will be here.  I can't believe it.  

Somebody pinch me! 

Exciting announcement on Tuesday

Yard sale is done {whew!}.  It was a lot of work.  The hubby and I are tired and can't wait to go to bed.  We could have went to bed when we got everything all loaded into the garage, but there was a very energetic (almost) one year old that was not wanting to "night-night."  

We made a couple hundred dollars.  It's not what our goals was, but something is better than nothing :).  The next fundraiser is going to be big.  HUGE!  If you've wanted family pictures recently, then you will most definitely want to check in on Tuesday, at 10 am as we will be announcing something special from this lady RIGHT HERE.  Here skills are amazing!

Don't forget, Tuesday at 10AM.

Keeping It Real: My lowest low of dealing with infertility

I decided I needed to post about when I was at my lowest point with my struggle with infertility.  Reading the blog right now, you would think that this journey to (start and) grow our family was full of sunshine, rainbows and puppies, but it wasn't.  It was a hard time.  I was miserable.  I was filled with anger and frustration.  I took things out on Nic.  I withdrew myself from a lot of people.  I was a mess.  I was unhappy.

I remember when everything really began to go downhill for me.  I found out my best friend was pregnant (with #2).  I was happy for her.  True, my heart ached a little bit, but I was happy for her.  She was (and still is) my best friend, why wouldn't I be?  Two months later I found out my co-worker's wife was pregnant (with #3).  I made sure my voice had the right level of excitement and exclaimed, with a big smile on my face: "oh my gosh, I'm so excited for you guys!"  I then slowly turned back to my computer and silently cried.  About a week later Nic and I were out as his parents house, when my father-in-law exclaimed: "So, did you hear?  {Sister-in law} is pregnant (with #3, which shortly came after #2)."  I looked at Nic, grabbed the car keys and drove away.  I was gone for probably about 2 hours, all of which was spent with me crying and listening to Super Woman by Alicia Keys over and over.  When I finally returned to get Nic, so we could go home, my Father-in-law apologized for saying something that may have upset me, but really it wasn't his fault.  He didn't know that I was extremely sensitive to all things baby and all things pregnancy, but I did appreciate his apology.

With all the news of people having babies I felt defeated.  I felt like I wasn't allowed to sit at the "cool kids" table.  I got to watch from a distance as they enjoyed their journey of motherhood.  I wanted to sit at their table, I wanted to be celebrating with them.  But I wasn't.  I couldn't.  Instead, I began to beat up on myself and my poor, non-functioning reproductive system.  I felt that I wasn't woman enough for my husband; that maybe if he was married to a woman whose reproductive system functioned properly they would be able to have their "miracle" baby.  This imaginary woman would be the one to help Nic become a father.  This woman would do what I couldn't.  I think that's why I pushed Nic away, I felt he wasn't happy and I wanted him to find that happiness elsewhere.  Besides pushing my husband away, I stopped doing the things that once filled me with happiness and peace.

I stopped attending my church meetings.  I stopped praying to the God, my Heavenly Father, that I knew could help ease my pain.  I stopped believing that He cared about me.  Loosing faith was an interesting thing.  I would think and write things in my journal, that I knew weren't true but felt at the time.  And every time I did do something like that, the immediate thought would come: "You know better than that."  It was as if my conscience was not wanting me to continue down this path of darkness, to not give up hope.  But I did.  I felt all was lost.  


That's the interesting thing about infertility.  No one tells you that you will begin to question your relationship or your self worth.  No one tells you that you will abandon those things that once brought you peace.  No one tells you that you will go through a mourning period, that you will give up hope.  It's as if people expect you to simply "bounce back."  There is nothing simple about getting back to being you.  It was a long process.  It took me a year to really feel good about myself again.  And still as the days and weeks go by, I'm still discovering pieces of me that I had forgotten.  But as I work on me, I have been filled with peace of this trial that my husband and I have endured.  I realize that it truly was for our good.  I'm able to see that now.  I know that as we continue down this path to grow our family, it won't be easy but I now have a greater sense of hope.   All is not lost during our trial of infertility.  All is just beginning.




**post-edit: I would like to say, as hard as I pushed my husband away he pushed harder to stay by my side.  He wanted to be there to support me, but I wouldn't let him.  Coming through everything, I know that Nic is the one that I needed by my side to go through this.  Together.  This trial may have been hard, but I wouldn't trade the growth that Nic and I experienced for anything.  

Garage & Bake Sale

Saturday we will be having a garage and bake sale to raise money for our IVF fund.  In addition to a variety of items, we will also have Paparazzi Accessories and chair massage available as well.

Click here to check out our link.

ICRM Part III: Breaking down the cost of IVF

After we met with Dr. Slater we met with Diane, the financial counselor.  She was super nice and very thorough.  We discussed our prize (50% discount) and then we discussed 25% discount (Access Program) that my friend Taylor had informed us about.

IVF:                                                    $8, 293.00
ICSI:                                                     1, 700.00
H2O Ultrasound:                                       450.00
Labs:                                                      1,000.00
Anesthesia:                                                500.00
Meds:                                          2,500-6,000.00
Embryo Cryo/Storage:                               975.00
              TOTAL:            $14,718.00-$18,218.00

That's A LOT of dinero!  However, our prize takes 50% off of IVF and ICSI.  So, instead of $9,993.00 for both of those procedures, it's only $4,996.50.  With the meds (we already have) we are saving at least $1,200.  We were able to get some of the meds we need at a significant discount.  When we have our plan of care that's when we'll  find out our exact cost of Meds. I have been researching resources for free or deeply discounted meds and one of my friends that went to ICRM as well said that one of the nurses is good about helping you find free meds.


IVF:                                                    $8, 293.00                                   $4,146.50
ICSI:                                                     1, 700.00                                        850.00
H2O Ultrasound:                                       450.00                                        450.00
Labs:                                                      1,000.00                                     1,000.00
Anesthesia:                                                500.00                                        500.00
Meds:                                          2,500-6,000.00                      1,300.00-4,800.00
Embryo Cryo/Storage:                               975.00                                        975.00
              TOTAL:            $14,718.00-$18,218.00               $9,221.50-$12,721.50

What about that 25% off you had mentioned previously? You might ask, well.  I'm going to explain it to you.  The program is called Access. It helps patients by providing a 25% discount on clinical services.  The only hangup?  They have limited availability and we have to apply for it.  That doesn't sound too bad, you might think, so here's the part that has me nervous.  They base their decision on the last two years tax returns-they last two years We made over 'x' amount of dollars.  In our application we can write a letter to the board explaining to them how our situation has changed, but there is still no guarantee.  But we're thinking positive here, so when we are approved for Access, here is the new math:



IVF:                                                    $ 4,146.50                                  $ 4,146.50
ICSI:                                                         850.00                                        850.00
H2O Ultrasound:                                       450.00                                        337.50
Labs:                                                      1,000.00                                        750.00
Anesthesia:                                                500.00                                        500.00
Meds:                                          2,500-6,000.00                      1,300.00-4,800.00
Embryo Cryo/Storage:                               975.00                                        731.25 
              TOTAL:            $14,718.00-$18,218.00               $   8,615.25-12,115.25

Still a lot of money and since we do not have insurance, we are paying everything out of pocket.  Even we did have insurance, it wouldn't cover IVF (there are only 15 states that have infertility coverage law in place); insurance would maybe cover some of the ultrasounds, labs, anesthesia, and meds but still a majority of it would be out of pocket-unless you work for a HUGE national company (Red Cross, UPS, FedEx, to name a few).  There are some additional financing programs we will be looking into as well and we will also (as mentioned previously) be looking into programs that offer discounted medication.

A long road is still ahead of us, but I remain positive.  Yes, I know there are still so many "what if's" (not just the ones mentioned before) but we know that the Lord wouldn't put us on this path if he wasn't going to provide us with the direction we need to take to grow our family.

ICRM-Part II: "What If"

When it comes to IVF, people always wonder about the "What if."  With any pregnancy there is a "what if" but it seems with IVF the "what if" is greater-mostly due to the huge financial burden IVF places on a family.

So, "the what-if's" and what they mean:

What If. . .#1: What if the retrieval (of my eggs) and transfer (of embryos) go well and the pregnancy test is positive?  Well, if everything works like we hope it will, then Baby G will have a baby brother or sister, or both.  And that will make us super happy :)

What If. . .#2: What if the retrieval and transfer goes accordingly, but it doesn't 'take'?  Well, if you remember from Part I, if I drop all 23 follicles, 16 mature, and 5 (or 6) are transferable, Dr. Slater will only transfer 2 and the other 3 (or 4) will be frozen.  If the first 2 do not take, then we will have to have the other ones transferred (the exact amount of the transfer is not known, that will be determined by Dr. Slater).  Luckily (I guess you could say), having the remaining embryos transferred will be a fraction of the cost of the initial process.

What If. . .#3: What if there is no retrieval and transfer? This is the most worst case scenario (yes, I know that was an example of horrible English).  For there to be no retrieval would mean despite the shots and injections that no eggs dropped.  I haven't done the complete research, but I think for there to be no retrieval would be HIGHLY unlikely.  I freely admit though that I am not sure.  For there to be no transfer would mean though they were able to retrieve my eggs, none matured enough that would make them good candidates to be transferred back into my body.  The next step?  We would have to start the IVF process over from the very beginning with no discount this time (IVF and ICSI alone is a combined total of $9, 995).  Before Dr. Slater came in to check my resting follicles, I told Nic "this HAS to work! If it doesn't we'll have to start over from the very beginning." Being the loving husband that he is, he told me not to worry about it and emphasised that I can't afford to think about it because we don't want that negative energy in my body.  So true hubby.  So true.

There you have it.  The three major "What If's".  Are we nervous? Surprisingly, no.   Does it suck that we have to go through this process?  Yes :(. I have more feelings on this matter, but I'll save that for another post.  Now it's time for Part III.

Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine: PART I

Yesterday was the day, our first meeting with Dr. Slater at Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine (ICRM).  Previously, we had met with Dr. Foulk and we loved him, but our gift certificate was with Dr. Slater and could not be transferred.  We were a little nervous about a new Dr, but we moved ahead with the appointment anyways.

Getting ready for the appointment and sitting in the waiting room, I was a nervous wreck! Nervous because we were embarking on a new adventure in our life, an adventure that I still can't believe we're on.  We were called back and asked a whole bunch of questions (questions that were already answered on our intake paperwork.  Why do dr's have you fill out the paperwork if they're not going to read it).  Taken back out to the waiting room and then pulled back to see Dr. Slater.

Dr. Slater went through the process of telling Nic and me how a "normal" uterine cavity work and the process of fertilizing an egg.  People, this is simple sex ed: you need eggs and sperm.  I don't produce eggs due to a lack of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH), along with a combination of other things and Nic is sterile.  That is what they call a double whammy.  Lucky for us, Nic had his sperm frozen prior to his chemotherapy (thanks to the wonderful hindsight/foresight? of his parents) and also lucky for us they make pharmaceutical FSH (and any other hormonal injection that I would need).  

Since Nic's sperm is frozen (15 years) we have to go through an additional process (to the IVF).  It is called Itnracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI)-the sperm will be injected into my eggs.  We have 13 vials of Nic's sperm.  Dr. Slater suggested that we will take the vial with the lowest count of sperm and use that first.  We don't have to worry about there being too low of a count as each vial holds MILLIONS of sperm.

The ideal situation would be for me to drop 25 eggs, 16 of which will mature enough to be fertilized.  Of those 16, only FIVE to SIX of those embryos will be transferable (meaning, they look like they will be able to produce a baby).  Dr. Slater will only transfer two back into my uterus and the rest (three or four) will be frozen.  10 days after the transfer, I will take a pregnancy test to find out if I'm pregnant. Crazy, huh?!  She also explained to us that of the two embryos that are transferred, there is only a 50% chance of pregnancy and a 1% chance of multiples.

Right now, I am currently taking birth control and prenatal vitamins.  Birth control (chewable and minty-who knew?!) because it actually helps regulate periods and prenatal vitamins because it has the folic acid that my body needs.  After I start my next cycle I will call their office to get more initial appointments set up: water ultrasound, infectious disease testing, and plan of care appointment with the coordinator.  The plan of care is really the most important appointment as it will lay out the complete plan for August and September-September being the month that we will do the retrieval and transfer (IVF).  Dr.  Slater said that there will be about a 8-10 day window where I shouldn't schedule anything because of the processes that will take place.  And talking with my friends Taylor and Erin, there are definitely two days where I won't be able to do ANYTHING-including, but not limited too, going up and down stairs (um, my bedroom is upstairs and so is Baby G's), can't lift Baby G, no laundry.  Nothing.  Luckily, Nic is a "get it done" kind of daddy/husband (though there is talk of my madre coming up to help) and he will be a champ at handling the responsibilities.

At the end of our appointment I had an ultrasound done to look at my ovaries. Everything looked good and I had 23 (13 right, 10 left) resting follicles that are ready and waiting to be made into a baby :).

*If you guys made it all the way to the end of my post-yay(!) and thank you :)  The rest of the story will be split into two more parts.  Part II will dicuss the "What If" and Part III will discuss the financial break down.  Stay tuned.*

Update: May 26, 2012

(This was previously posted on our personal blog)


Well, the appointment has been set. We were really hoping to get in to see Dr. Slater this month but due to scheduling problems on our end and Dr. Slater being super busy, we are scheduled to see her June 12th (!!). I was a little disappointed when they told me the date, but then they told me that they had just opened up that week so we're really lucky that we called when we did (again, reaffirms that the Lord is in control of this whole thing).

 I still can't believe that this is happening. When I'm playing with Gabriella, I ask her: "Gabby, is it a brother or a sister that's waiting to come be a part of our family? Is it both?" I always wait for an answer, but of course she doesn't give me one-just a smile :). A couple of weeks ago I went to a friends graduation party/baptism celebration (for her daughter) and was able to visit with a lot of friends from our old ward (who I miss terribly) and was sharing our recent excitement with a friend who hadn't heard the good news. I told her our tentative plans as to when we would like to do everything. She looked at Gabriella and asked when her birthday was. I told her it was July and then she began to do the math. "Wow! They are going to be pretty close in age. (She looks at Gabriella) Did you make a deal with someone up there? Did you tell them that you would come first and that they could come after?" I laughed, but after thinking about what she said it gave me chills and made me a little teary-eyed.

 Gabriella was (and still is) such a easy baby. She was sleeping through the night (which is considered at least 5 hours-she slept 6-8) by the time she was six days old, she's never had any earaches or high fever, she's never been colicky, and a list of a whole bunch of other things. I always tell people "I think the Lord knew I needed to be eased into Motherhood. As much as I wanted to be a mom, He knew I was still really nervous. With Gabriella being such an easy baby, it was His way of saying 'Look, you can do this.' " Maybe Gabriella did in fact come first in order to prepare me for what was to come. And truth be told, I can really see Gabriella taking charge in Heaven and saying "Look guys, I'm going to go first and ease her into it and then you can come." I don't know how things really work in Heaven, but thinking things may have worked just like this makes me smile and have warm feelings :)

 In other "update" news, I found out something pretty exciting, that if it works out, is going to be AMAZINGLY AWESOME!!! I was talking with my friend Taylor (he and his wife were the ones that clapped in excitement when we won the grand prize and his wife was the one that told me about the open house) and he was telling me that he and his wife, Erin, when they were going through IVF they qualified for 25% savings because they made under 'x' amount and it's something we should look into. I asked him "even though we have the 50% off? You think we would still qualify?"

 "Why not? You still have to come up with the other half (roughly $6,000). Just talk to them when you go in." I so appreciate Taylor and his optimistic attitude :)

 When he told me about the possibility of an extra 25% savings I got a little excited. If we had not made the decision for Nic to leave his previous place of employment and start his own business, we wouldn't have qualified for this extra (possible) savings because we made over 'x' amount of money. Another instance where the Lord is directing our course? I think so. How things are falling into place, really feels like it did over two years ago when I quit my job to return to school and be a stay at home wife, and we moved to another city to put ourselves (financially) in a better position. Except at that time we didn't know what the end result was going to be (being matched with our beautiful birth mom), we just knew and felt we needed to do certain things. I've said this before (if you follow me on FB) and I'll say it again: it's amazing how life unfolds and blessing are bestowed upon you when you get out of the Lord's way and let him direct your path.

 In order to help put money towards our (current) goal of $6,700 I have been sewing like a mad woman to sell some items: baby burp cloths (cotton), flannel burp cloths, Baby Leg Warmers, and bath towels for baby (way bigger than the small ones you get-they can grown into them). I'll also be making hair bows. I'm hoping to have a blog up in the next week to list these items and have a place where you can make purchase or donations. Everything is coming together. Me and my little family are so blessed. Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. It really has meant a lot to our family :)

Winning: Ending National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

(this was previously posted on our personal blog: May 1, 2012)

October 2011

The blog you guys have all been waiting for :) But before I can give you the story, there is some important background info you need.

 BACK STORY: Near the end of last year, Nic and I were discussing our plans for the new year. We wanted to get out of debt, I wanted to grow my massage therapy business, and a couple of other things. But the most important thing we wanted for the new year was to grow our family. We wanted to pinch our pennies and save for an In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) treatment. We were very excited about the new year! Then 2012 arrived in all of it's glory and we soon realized that we the things we wanted for the new year were no longer in our reach. Nic got a HUGE pay cut at the beginning of the year and after much prayer (and FAITH) we felt it was best for him to quit his job (he had worked for this company for 8 1/2 years) and start his own lab. I struggled with this decision. I knew that if Nic quit his job it would make it more difficult for us to get out of debt and to put money away for IVF. But this is where I made the decision to change the way I prayed.

 I prayed telling Heavenly Father that I KNEW He would provide us with the way to grow our family. That I KNEW He would allow us to have the desire of our hearts and bring a brother or sister (or both!) into this world for our sweet Gabriella. I told Him that I KNEW He would take care of our family and would not abandon us in our hour of need. A lot of this prayer was filled with tears, but in my heart I KNEW the words to be true. I KNEW that through my faith that Heavenly Father would bless our family.

 For awhile I had stopped using this language in my prayers and put aside the thoughts of growing our family; though my heart ached for more children I became content with the thought that Gabriella would be our only child. It was hard. I wanted her to have a brother or sister. I wanted to hear them giggling and sharing secrets with each other. I wanted to see them running and playing in the yard. I wanted her to have all those wonderful memories that I have of doing things with my brothers. I decided to pray for more children.

 On Sunday, April 22nd (the beginning of NIAW) I, again, prayed to Heavenly Father telling Him that I KNEW He would bless our lives with children and that through our faith He would provide us with a way to bring more sweet spirits into our home. Through my tears I felt peace. Later on that afternoon one of my friends posted this as her FB status: ****It's National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are local, and going through this trial, head over to the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine (next to the Ronald McDonald House) Thursday at the 6 pm for their open house/seminar. Drawings for 50% off IVF, Free consults and more******* When I saw this posting, my heart about jumped out of my chest. I immediately told her thank you for posting this. She told me that she felt she needed to post this for all of her friends out there. True, I had hoped we would win, but I more so took this information as a sign that we needed to continue with our desire to grow our family. I told Nic about it (the grand prize giveaway) and without hesitation he said: "Awesome! Let's make sure we're there."

 Well, fast-forward to Wednesday. I get a call from the spa that I work at asking me if I would be okay working a late shift (until 7:30), without even thinking I say yes. I don't realize my mistake until Nic comes home later that evening. I tell him that I won't be able to go and since I don't want Gabriella with a sitter for an extended period of time (there was a 2 hour block where our schedules over-lapped and Gabriella had to be with a sitter) he either has to take her with him or not go at all. Out of frustration I tell him to just not go at all.

 Thursday morning on my drive to work I call Nic and tell him to go to the meeting and to take Gabriella with him and I would call him when I'm done with my appointments. I go to the spa and wait for my client. As I'm there I'm telling the girls that Nic and I are wanting to grow our family and we're taking the first step by going to ICRM for NIAW. It was nice to discuss infertility with them. I tell them about the "grand prize" and they tell me that they hope Nic wins (love those girls). At 5:40 pm my clients were a no show. I call Nic to see where is he at (down the street from ICRM) and have him come pick me up. We show up late to the meeting but are greeted by the friendly staff. They tell us before we enter the room we need to enter the drawing and only one entry per family. I was nervous as I was filling out the entry form, though I'm not sure why. I mean, I really didn't think I would win. I guess I was just nervous about the the IF. We sat through the presentation and relearned some things. I also became frustrated because with my previous OB-GYN because it took her THREE years to refer us to ICRM, she should have done it after a year if not sooner (Infertility is defined as 1 year trying to conceive without any success, but since we already knew Nic's "factory" wasn't working properly we should have gotten a referral sooner. All is well). At the end of the informational meeting it was time for the drawing. They were raffling a new client consultation, 2 ultrasounds (two separate ultrasounds), 2 cookie bouquets and the grand prize-50% off and IVF treatment.

Every time Dr. Slater pulled her hand out of the jar I sat waiting to hear my name. I kept telling myself "I'd be okay with a new client consultation or with the ultra sounds" the cookie bouquets not so much. . .haha. And then the moment. The grand prize. Nic and I, along with everyone else in the room, held our breath. "And the grand prize goes to. . . Elaine Ward." I sat there. Perfectly still. In shock. I couldn't believe it. I could tell they were looking for their "excited" winner so I slowly raised my hand, much like a kid in school fessing up to something they did wrong. They congratulated me and I just sat there. There was some more info shared and as I sat there processing everything that just happened, I began to cry. Heavenly Father had heard my prayers.

 After the meeting the office manager came up to me and asked if we were returning patients (since we had Gabriella with us) and we told her that we had met with Dr. Foulk four years ago, but we were blessed by adoption with our beautiful girl. I told her how our friends (who, when my name was called exclaimed "yes!" and clapped their hands-though, I didn't hear them) who felt they needed to share the info and here we are. The office manager told us it was meant to be. When I shared the news with the girls at the spa the next day they said the same thing too.

Me holding the grand prize certificate

 We are hoping to meet with Dr. Slater in a couple of weeks and that meeting will give us a better outline as to how much more money we need and when we can do the procedure. I've made a guesstimate as to the amount that we will need ($6,000-yikes!). Our tentative plan is to do the procedure in October. We know we still have a few thousand dollars to go before we are able to begin the procedure, but we know that the Lord will continue to guide us. We will be holding garage sales, making and selling items, Nic is looking for another job (in addition to running his own lab), I will be taking on more clients, and we will be taking donations. . .haha. I'm serious though. Send us your money ;)