Saying Goodbye

When we went in for our first ultrasound we asked about our frozen embryos.  Kim said she was surprised we hadn't heard anything (as we were supposed to find out one week after our transfer), but she explained that they actually just had an office meeting about these letters because it seemed to be a problem. She told me to get dressed and she would meet us with one of the technicians.

We were met outside by Kim and the head lab technician Bret. He handed me the letter and said "I'm sorry, I don't know why this was never sent.  It's dated one week from your transfer date.  Here you go."  I read the letter.  Our frozen embryos didn't survive.

I had anticipated this, but for some reason reading it made it real and I had to fight the tears as they swelled in my eyes.  To me, they were our future children.  Children that would help fill our home with laughter, joy, and so many memories.  I think what also made this so devastating was the fact that if for some reason the pregnancy didn't make it to term, we would have to start the process all over. . .at FULL PRICE and that's $20k we don't have people.  And even if the pregnancy did make it to full term, then we would still have to come up with an extra $20k to try for another pregnancy.  This is where the sting of infertility comes back and bites me in the butt.  You think you're okay and then BAM! Something sneaks up on you and reminds you of your painful reality.

In hindsight, finding out the remaining embryos didn't survive until after my pregnancy was confirmed,  was probably the best.  Knowing the statistics that Dr. Slater gave me the day of implantation, and knowing myself, I would have started playing the number game in my head, which in turn would have been more stress on me and my body and that wouldn't be good for the {possible} baby that was growing in my body.

Now, we continue to live on a hope and a prayer that everything will be well with this pregnancy.

BFP!

If you're not my friend on facebook, I'm sure you may be wondering where I've been the last couple of months.  Well, here's your answer:

That's right, I'm pregnant!  I am 3.5 months along, and we are beyond excited, though for a small moment I had lost hope.

Remember how I trolled the Internet?  Well, while aimlessly wandering the internet I came across an article that talked about the soonest possible day I could take a pregnancy test post IVF. Since I had taken HCG prior to the extraction and it could interfere with an accurate pregnancy test, so the article stated waiting six days post IVF.  So on the sixth day (September 19th) I tested.  I was both nervous and excited.  I mean, the hopes and dreams of growing our family would be determined by one little + or -. I followed the directions and waited patiently.  I picked it up and stared at that pesky little stick.  There it was a big fat MINUS sign.  My heart was instantly filled with sadness.  I slowly began to feel the walls caving in on me.

I read the instructions again to see the soonest that one could test before their missed period.  Five day.  Yep, I was in that window.  I counted six days from the date of my procedure.  Yep, the 19th.  My heart sank.  It didn't work.  Then my mind began to race: Who can I talk to? Do I tell Nic? I don't want to ruin his birthday.  Why didn't it work? Did I do something wrong? Maybe this just wasn't "our time" to have a baby. . .I did my best to put my happy face on and slowly began to accept the fact that I wasn't pregnant.  The hard part was a couple days later when Nic asked me if I had taken the test yet-Yes I have, but how am I supposed to tell you? I just told him we won't know anything until Monday (September 24th).  Well fast forward to Sunday. . .

After a few days of being sad and disappointed, I was feeling recharged and ready for a beautiful Sunday. I awoke at 6 am needing to use the "facilities."  As I entered the bathroom, I see the pregnancy test box sitting on the counter with one test left.  It was as if the test was calling my name.  I tried to ignore the urge to take another test, especially because I didn't want anymore disappointment, but then I figured what the heck-might was well prepare my heart tomorrow for the 100% negative answer.  I waited the allotted time and take a look.  This time this test looks different-not only from the test I had taken a few days ago, but from ALL the tests I had  taken in my seven years of marriage-there is a faint plus sign in the window!  I couldn't believe it.  I examine the test in better lighting and there it is-definitely a plus sign.  A large part of me wanted to shout for joy, but the other part didn't want to put all my eggs into one basket because it could be a false positive.  I knew I had to wait until Monday to be sure.

Monday morning I went to my appointment and had my blood drawn, for hopefully, what would be the last time. They wished me good luck and told me they would have the results for me at 3:30 pm.  I had to wait 6 hours before I found out-dreadful I tell you!  I tried to keep myself busy with G and doing things around the house, but I found myself checking my phone every 15-30 minutes to make sure it was working and off vibrate.  Finally the time arrived, but no call. I waited 10 minutes.  Nothing.  I started to get anxious.  45 minutes later I get "the call." I took a deep breath and answered.

"Hi Elaine. This is so and so from ICRM, how are you?

"Good.  Just a little nervous."

"Well, we got your test results back and congratulations-you're pregnant!"

My eyes are immediately filled with tears, I can't believe it, "Oh my gosh! Really?"

"Yes and your levels look really, really good.  Congratulations.  We're going to get you transferred over to the front and get you scheduled for your 7 week appointment."

Everything gets scheduled and I'm still in shock.  I can't believe it.  I immediately want to call and tell Nic, but I know I can't simply tell him over the phone.  So I brake "our rule" and call my good friend.  She was beyond excited for us and is willing to help me share the news with Nic.  I told I was going to go to Wal-Mart and buy some newborn diapers and a gift bag and leave it in the back of my car and she can come over later and give it to him as a late birthday gift (her and her hubby couldn't celebrate with us as they were out of town).  We finish dinner and she comes over, hands the gift to him and says "I hope it fits, I wasn't sure about the size."  As he's getting ready to open his gift I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes.  He pulls the diapers out, takes a look at them and says "Sweet!" Then he just places them on his lap like nothing.

My friend and I look at each other, then back at Nic, and say "that's it?! Aren't you excited??"

"Of course I am babe, but I kind'a knew you were pregnant already. You haven't been yourself lately."

"What do you mean I 'haven't been myself'?"  He goes on to explain that he noticed I drank a gallon of orange juice by MYSELF in a day, I've been wanting to nap more lately, and by 5 pm, on a Saturday mind you, I was ready for bed.  "All of those were signs to me that you were definitely pregnant."  I had to chuckle, for a couple of reasons: 1) really, how observant is my husband?  I think some men would have missed those "small" things, I'm blessed with a wonderful man :) and 2) no matter how many times I try to surprise him with things, they always end up ruined.  Not because he purposely goes out of his way to find out, but things just randomly happen that lead to him finding out.  I told Nic that he's no fun to surprise and that next time we find out we're pregnant I'm just going to tell him "yep."  Hahaha.

The first trimester was a little rough; I really had no idea how much work it takes to grow a another person in your body.  I remember telling Nic before our 1st ultrasound "there better be two in there because this is RIDICULOUS!"  I hear in the second trimester you energy returns-can't wait for that.

Just six more months and the little one will be here. Here's to {more} of my dreams coming true  :)

40 Kids

In my church I work with the children 4-11 teaching them music.  I LOVE it!  With that calling, I also visit the nursery children (18 months to 3).  Working with the younger children like that can be super challenging.  Sometimes I am able to teach them a song and other times, we just sing a bunch of silly songs.  I have learned how to adapt quickly.

This past Sunday one of the moms of the children was helping in the room.  Upon my leaving she told me "You should have like 40 kids!  You have a sweet, calm, and peaceful demeanor about you.  You have that voice that just speaks to children.  Seriously, you need to have a lot of kids."  That really meant a lot to me coming from this particular mom-I consider her a super-mom, but as she was sharing these kind words with me I could only think "If you only knew. . ."

If you only knew how hard it is for us to have babies.  If it were up to Nic and I, we would have 5 kids (he says 7 but that's just too much for this mama), but it's not up to us. And since we had no surviving embryos, our next go around of IVF (if we decide to go that route) will be FULL price and end up costing us over $20K (yes, that's right $20,000).  That's $20k for just the possibility of becoming pregnant. That's $20K for one baby (unless we get a two for one special).  Yes, we could adopt again, but that could potentially cost a few thousand dollars as well (depending on which agency we go through). It's a hard reality for me, that we have to PAY to have our children, but that's another post for another time.

If you only knew how hard it is for me to be a mom. After we welcomed sweet baby G, I suffered from "post adoption blues" (think postpartum, just without all the extra hormones).  Not a lot of people knew about it, and truthfully, it's not something the adoption community really talks about (at least, not that I found).  I had to reach out to someone that I respected to see if you knew of anyone that suffered from this, and luckily she was able to connect me with someone.  I think part of my struggle of being a mom is how I have measured my success, it's always been tangible-awards, recognition, raises, etc.  Being a mom, you really don't get that.

If you only knew how my heart yearns for more children.  I want our family to grow.  I want G to have siblings (even with the above mentioned difficulties I have), but with each child that comes into our family I have to be willing to accept that maybe this is my reality.  That the dreams of the family I've always wanted are out the window.  When G joined our family we were beyond excited! When she was probably around 9 months, I knew I wanted her to have siblings, but I also knew the difficulties that lay ahead for us.  I spent a lot of time crying and coming to terms with the fact that we may only have one child.  Then of course, everything happened and now Baby #2 is on it's way.  Again, beyond excited but I've already started thinking about Baby #3 (sorry, it's the planner in me) and how again, I'm faced with the fact that perhaps 2 beautiful children is all we will be blessed with.  Happy? Yes.  Grateful? Of course!  But infertility is a funny thing-she reminds you of the hopes and dreams you had. She reopens that wound you thought had healed and throws salt on it, bringing about all that pain again.  

Maybe we'll never have the family that Nic and I have dreamed of.  And (for right now) I'm okay with that.  Maybe instead of kids we'll add more pets to our family.  Though, that may take some extra convincing with the hubby.  Hmmm. . . .  ;)

Defriending

It has recently come to my attention some friends have deleted me or blocked me from Facebook (I have only learned this because friends of friends have told me) because I'm sharing too much of my life.  To that, I just laugh.

This is MY story.  You don't have to like it and you don't have to read it.  Truth be told, I really don't know how many people truly read this and it doesn't matter.  I have found my voice.  I have chronicled my journey of IVF so others that may have to endure this have an idea of what to expect.  I have shared the emotional roller-coaster so women can know that they are not alone, and it's okay if you're a little emotionally unstable at times.

By sharing my story, people have reached out to me, sharing their stories.  I've created my own little family of Infertility Warrior Queens and I love it!  If my story is too real for you, then "Defriend" away.

2ww

Any of my friends that have gone through an IVF understand exactly what that means.  2ww stands for 2 Week Wait.  And let me tell you,  it. has. been. TORTURE!!!!  The 2ww is the length of time between embryo transfer and when you a) get a positive pregnancy test {fingers and toes crossed} or b) period begins.

The first part of this journey was filled with ultrasounds, daily shots, more ultrasounds, and blood tests, but now there is nothing else to do but wait; well, that and search Google for any possible indication that any symptoms could possibly result in a BFP (Big Fat Positive pregnany test-one of many acronyms I learned while trolling Google.) I have also discovered this little gem, the IVF Due Date Calculator.  

Since I was on bed rest for the first three days, it was easy to not wonder "what if" because I was too busy being bored out of my mind and completely uncomfortable, but now that I have the freedom to roam the house (and made the mistake of taking a week and a half off from work) I only have time to wonder "what if."  On Facebook, I belong to a couple of selling groups and whenever I see baby item postings I just want to say "If you still have this in 3 months, let me know!"  But I don't, because people would think me crazy. . .haha.  Clearly, I have baby(ies) on the brain.

One of the biggest anxieties I have felt during this 2ww is whether or not the remaining embryos (2) made it to Saturday (Sept. 15th) and were able to be frozen.  If they both made it, then statistically speaking (according to Dr. Slater), only one of the two embryos that were implanted should have settled down for nine months, resulting in pregnancy.  Now, if neither of my embryos made it to Saturday, then (statistically to Dr. Slater), both implanted embryos should result in pregnancy.  Dr. Slater told us that we would receive a letter in the mail letting us know what the results were, or, if we wanted, we could call to find out the results of the two remaining embryos.  No thank you!  As curious as I am, I would not been able to have the statistical information weighing over me as I wait to see what new adventures await me and my family.  I know the information Dr. Slater provided us is just a numbers game and there is really no guarantees when it come to statistics, but still, she is the expert.  She has supported research and results, while I only have a prayer in my heart (and the hearts of all of my friends-again THANK YOU!) that this IVF cycle turns out how Nic and I would want it to turn out.

2ww will officially be over September 24th and I'm becoming more and more nervous the closer it gets.   Whatever the results are, we are prepared.

Again, please remember: though I will be finding out the results on Monday (remember, I have three days to tell Nic), we ask that you please be patient with us in sharing the information.  Whether the results be positive or negative, we've decided on a months time to share the information with our friends and family.  We would like time to process everything.  Thank you.

How to deal with Infertility: Sound principles I learned from The Never Ending Story

*Originally posted April 2010

So, a while ago my husband and I bought the two pack DVD of The Never Ending Story and there are some true life applications there. Here are my observations:

1. If you let the sadness over come you, you will die. I've struggled with being infertile and I've had good days and (really) bad days, but I've come up on top-with occasional trips. But if I choose to wallow in my self-pity I wouldn't be happy. And what kind of life is it if you're not happy?

2. If you doubt your worth, you face ultimate destruction. Never question who you are and what your purpose is. You are of infinite worth and have a divine purpose on this earth, though you may feel like you're not fulfilling it. Have faith in yourself and everything else will fall into place.

3. We all have a Falcor in our lives: someone who believes in us and stands by our side. Willing to make the adventure with us. My Falcor? The hubby.

4. When you lose your hope and dreams, the nothing will take control. You have to believe in something to be sure you have a purpose in life.

5. There is a power and a being seeking to destroy us. Plain and simple.

6. I will name my son Atreyu-the hubby just doesn't know it yet.

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home

This shirt is so true for little G. She LOVES her daddy.  She can often be heard walking around the house calling at the top of her lungs "Daaa!" whether he is home or not.

Though it's been hard for me not to really spend time with her, I have loved seeing her with her daddy.  I always knew Nic was such a good daddy, but being able to be on the "outside" and see him spend time with our daughter has been so special for me.

I can see how much he loves G (and how much she really has him wrapped around her finger) and how much she loves her daddy.  I love seeing him prepare her food and change her diapers.  Getting her dressed for the day (some outfit choices have been questionable-to which he has replied "I'm in charge". . .haha). I love seeing him creating memories with her.  I love seeing G eat up every moment that she is spending with her daddy.

I love seeing Nic be a daddy and I can't wait to bring more children into our family.