On to the next step

When we met with Dr. Slater earlier this month, I was told to start taking birth control, to start getting my body "on schedule" for IVF.  I was also given a "to-do" list for July, here it is:

1) Call Janna (Plan of Care coordinator) Cycle Day 1 (CD1), or if no menses by July 3rd.

2) Restart birth control CD3.

3) Blood draw for infectious disease by mid July.

4) H2O ultrasound end of July.

5) Plan of care with Janna.

Well, my cycle is getting ready to start (TMI? Probably, but I warned you about that).  Usually Nic and I celebrate my cycle starting ("Yay!  My body is working like it should!!"), but I told him this time it's weird.  Yes, we are excited that I am getting ready to start my cycle, but for the first time (in a LONG while) it was assisted to start AND I will have to be calling another person to report that my menses has started.  Weird.  

By calling ICRM and speaking with Janna, it's really starting to make things real.  I think I'm starting to get a little nervous now, even a little scared.  This next month I'm going to have a lot more interaction with ICRM. Then August.  Then BAM!  September will be here.  I can't believe it.  

Somebody pinch me! 

Exciting announcement on Tuesday

Yard sale is done {whew!}.  It was a lot of work.  The hubby and I are tired and can't wait to go to bed.  We could have went to bed when we got everything all loaded into the garage, but there was a very energetic (almost) one year old that was not wanting to "night-night."  

We made a couple hundred dollars.  It's not what our goals was, but something is better than nothing :).  The next fundraiser is going to be big.  HUGE!  If you've wanted family pictures recently, then you will most definitely want to check in on Tuesday, at 10 am as we will be announcing something special from this lady RIGHT HERE.  Here skills are amazing!

Don't forget, Tuesday at 10AM.

Keeping It Real: My lowest low of dealing with infertility

I decided I needed to post about when I was at my lowest point with my struggle with infertility.  Reading the blog right now, you would think that this journey to (start and) grow our family was full of sunshine, rainbows and puppies, but it wasn't.  It was a hard time.  I was miserable.  I was filled with anger and frustration.  I took things out on Nic.  I withdrew myself from a lot of people.  I was a mess.  I was unhappy.

I remember when everything really began to go downhill for me.  I found out my best friend was pregnant (with #2).  I was happy for her.  True, my heart ached a little bit, but I was happy for her.  She was (and still is) my best friend, why wouldn't I be?  Two months later I found out my co-worker's wife was pregnant (with #3).  I made sure my voice had the right level of excitement and exclaimed, with a big smile on my face: "oh my gosh, I'm so excited for you guys!"  I then slowly turned back to my computer and silently cried.  About a week later Nic and I were out as his parents house, when my father-in-law exclaimed: "So, did you hear?  {Sister-in law} is pregnant (with #3, which shortly came after #2)."  I looked at Nic, grabbed the car keys and drove away.  I was gone for probably about 2 hours, all of which was spent with me crying and listening to Super Woman by Alicia Keys over and over.  When I finally returned to get Nic, so we could go home, my Father-in-law apologized for saying something that may have upset me, but really it wasn't his fault.  He didn't know that I was extremely sensitive to all things baby and all things pregnancy, but I did appreciate his apology.

With all the news of people having babies I felt defeated.  I felt like I wasn't allowed to sit at the "cool kids" table.  I got to watch from a distance as they enjoyed their journey of motherhood.  I wanted to sit at their table, I wanted to be celebrating with them.  But I wasn't.  I couldn't.  Instead, I began to beat up on myself and my poor, non-functioning reproductive system.  I felt that I wasn't woman enough for my husband; that maybe if he was married to a woman whose reproductive system functioned properly they would be able to have their "miracle" baby.  This imaginary woman would be the one to help Nic become a father.  This woman would do what I couldn't.  I think that's why I pushed Nic away, I felt he wasn't happy and I wanted him to find that happiness elsewhere.  Besides pushing my husband away, I stopped doing the things that once filled me with happiness and peace.

I stopped attending my church meetings.  I stopped praying to the God, my Heavenly Father, that I knew could help ease my pain.  I stopped believing that He cared about me.  Loosing faith was an interesting thing.  I would think and write things in my journal, that I knew weren't true but felt at the time.  And every time I did do something like that, the immediate thought would come: "You know better than that."  It was as if my conscience was not wanting me to continue down this path of darkness, to not give up hope.  But I did.  I felt all was lost.  


That's the interesting thing about infertility.  No one tells you that you will begin to question your relationship or your self worth.  No one tells you that you will abandon those things that once brought you peace.  No one tells you that you will go through a mourning period, that you will give up hope.  It's as if people expect you to simply "bounce back."  There is nothing simple about getting back to being you.  It was a long process.  It took me a year to really feel good about myself again.  And still as the days and weeks go by, I'm still discovering pieces of me that I had forgotten.  But as I work on me, I have been filled with peace of this trial that my husband and I have endured.  I realize that it truly was for our good.  I'm able to see that now.  I know that as we continue down this path to grow our family, it won't be easy but I now have a greater sense of hope.   All is not lost during our trial of infertility.  All is just beginning.




**post-edit: I would like to say, as hard as I pushed my husband away he pushed harder to stay by my side.  He wanted to be there to support me, but I wouldn't let him.  Coming through everything, I know that Nic is the one that I needed by my side to go through this.  Together.  This trial may have been hard, but I wouldn't trade the growth that Nic and I experienced for anything.  

Garage & Bake Sale

Saturday we will be having a garage and bake sale to raise money for our IVF fund.  In addition to a variety of items, we will also have Paparazzi Accessories and chair massage available as well.

Click here to check out our link.

ICRM Part III: Breaking down the cost of IVF

After we met with Dr. Slater we met with Diane, the financial counselor.  She was super nice and very thorough.  We discussed our prize (50% discount) and then we discussed 25% discount (Access Program) that my friend Taylor had informed us about.

IVF:                                                    $8, 293.00
ICSI:                                                     1, 700.00
H2O Ultrasound:                                       450.00
Labs:                                                      1,000.00
Anesthesia:                                                500.00
Meds:                                          2,500-6,000.00
Embryo Cryo/Storage:                               975.00
              TOTAL:            $14,718.00-$18,218.00

That's A LOT of dinero!  However, our prize takes 50% off of IVF and ICSI.  So, instead of $9,993.00 for both of those procedures, it's only $4,996.50.  With the meds (we already have) we are saving at least $1,200.  We were able to get some of the meds we need at a significant discount.  When we have our plan of care that's when we'll  find out our exact cost of Meds. I have been researching resources for free or deeply discounted meds and one of my friends that went to ICRM as well said that one of the nurses is good about helping you find free meds.


IVF:                                                    $8, 293.00                                   $4,146.50
ICSI:                                                     1, 700.00                                        850.00
H2O Ultrasound:                                       450.00                                        450.00
Labs:                                                      1,000.00                                     1,000.00
Anesthesia:                                                500.00                                        500.00
Meds:                                          2,500-6,000.00                      1,300.00-4,800.00
Embryo Cryo/Storage:                               975.00                                        975.00
              TOTAL:            $14,718.00-$18,218.00               $9,221.50-$12,721.50

What about that 25% off you had mentioned previously? You might ask, well.  I'm going to explain it to you.  The program is called Access. It helps patients by providing a 25% discount on clinical services.  The only hangup?  They have limited availability and we have to apply for it.  That doesn't sound too bad, you might think, so here's the part that has me nervous.  They base their decision on the last two years tax returns-they last two years We made over 'x' amount of dollars.  In our application we can write a letter to the board explaining to them how our situation has changed, but there is still no guarantee.  But we're thinking positive here, so when we are approved for Access, here is the new math:



IVF:                                                    $ 4,146.50                                  $ 4,146.50
ICSI:                                                         850.00                                        850.00
H2O Ultrasound:                                       450.00                                        337.50
Labs:                                                      1,000.00                                        750.00
Anesthesia:                                                500.00                                        500.00
Meds:                                          2,500-6,000.00                      1,300.00-4,800.00
Embryo Cryo/Storage:                               975.00                                        731.25 
              TOTAL:            $14,718.00-$18,218.00               $   8,615.25-12,115.25

Still a lot of money and since we do not have insurance, we are paying everything out of pocket.  Even we did have insurance, it wouldn't cover IVF (there are only 15 states that have infertility coverage law in place); insurance would maybe cover some of the ultrasounds, labs, anesthesia, and meds but still a majority of it would be out of pocket-unless you work for a HUGE national company (Red Cross, UPS, FedEx, to name a few).  There are some additional financing programs we will be looking into as well and we will also (as mentioned previously) be looking into programs that offer discounted medication.

A long road is still ahead of us, but I remain positive.  Yes, I know there are still so many "what if's" (not just the ones mentioned before) but we know that the Lord wouldn't put us on this path if he wasn't going to provide us with the direction we need to take to grow our family.

ICRM-Part II: "What If"

When it comes to IVF, people always wonder about the "What if."  With any pregnancy there is a "what if" but it seems with IVF the "what if" is greater-mostly due to the huge financial burden IVF places on a family.

So, "the what-if's" and what they mean:

What If. . .#1: What if the retrieval (of my eggs) and transfer (of embryos) go well and the pregnancy test is positive?  Well, if everything works like we hope it will, then Baby G will have a baby brother or sister, or both.  And that will make us super happy :)

What If. . .#2: What if the retrieval and transfer goes accordingly, but it doesn't 'take'?  Well, if you remember from Part I, if I drop all 23 follicles, 16 mature, and 5 (or 6) are transferable, Dr. Slater will only transfer 2 and the other 3 (or 4) will be frozen.  If the first 2 do not take, then we will have to have the other ones transferred (the exact amount of the transfer is not known, that will be determined by Dr. Slater).  Luckily (I guess you could say), having the remaining embryos transferred will be a fraction of the cost of the initial process.

What If. . .#3: What if there is no retrieval and transfer? This is the most worst case scenario (yes, I know that was an example of horrible English).  For there to be no retrieval would mean despite the shots and injections that no eggs dropped.  I haven't done the complete research, but I think for there to be no retrieval would be HIGHLY unlikely.  I freely admit though that I am not sure.  For there to be no transfer would mean though they were able to retrieve my eggs, none matured enough that would make them good candidates to be transferred back into my body.  The next step?  We would have to start the IVF process over from the very beginning with no discount this time (IVF and ICSI alone is a combined total of $9, 995).  Before Dr. Slater came in to check my resting follicles, I told Nic "this HAS to work! If it doesn't we'll have to start over from the very beginning." Being the loving husband that he is, he told me not to worry about it and emphasised that I can't afford to think about it because we don't want that negative energy in my body.  So true hubby.  So true.

There you have it.  The three major "What If's".  Are we nervous? Surprisingly, no.   Does it suck that we have to go through this process?  Yes :(. I have more feelings on this matter, but I'll save that for another post.  Now it's time for Part III.

Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine: PART I

Yesterday was the day, our first meeting with Dr. Slater at Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine (ICRM).  Previously, we had met with Dr. Foulk and we loved him, but our gift certificate was with Dr. Slater and could not be transferred.  We were a little nervous about a new Dr, but we moved ahead with the appointment anyways.

Getting ready for the appointment and sitting in the waiting room, I was a nervous wreck! Nervous because we were embarking on a new adventure in our life, an adventure that I still can't believe we're on.  We were called back and asked a whole bunch of questions (questions that were already answered on our intake paperwork.  Why do dr's have you fill out the paperwork if they're not going to read it).  Taken back out to the waiting room and then pulled back to see Dr. Slater.

Dr. Slater went through the process of telling Nic and me how a "normal" uterine cavity work and the process of fertilizing an egg.  People, this is simple sex ed: you need eggs and sperm.  I don't produce eggs due to a lack of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH), along with a combination of other things and Nic is sterile.  That is what they call a double whammy.  Lucky for us, Nic had his sperm frozen prior to his chemotherapy (thanks to the wonderful hindsight/foresight? of his parents) and also lucky for us they make pharmaceutical FSH (and any other hormonal injection that I would need).  

Since Nic's sperm is frozen (15 years) we have to go through an additional process (to the IVF).  It is called Itnracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI)-the sperm will be injected into my eggs.  We have 13 vials of Nic's sperm.  Dr. Slater suggested that we will take the vial with the lowest count of sperm and use that first.  We don't have to worry about there being too low of a count as each vial holds MILLIONS of sperm.

The ideal situation would be for me to drop 25 eggs, 16 of which will mature enough to be fertilized.  Of those 16, only FIVE to SIX of those embryos will be transferable (meaning, they look like they will be able to produce a baby).  Dr. Slater will only transfer two back into my uterus and the rest (three or four) will be frozen.  10 days after the transfer, I will take a pregnancy test to find out if I'm pregnant. Crazy, huh?!  She also explained to us that of the two embryos that are transferred, there is only a 50% chance of pregnancy and a 1% chance of multiples.

Right now, I am currently taking birth control and prenatal vitamins.  Birth control (chewable and minty-who knew?!) because it actually helps regulate periods and prenatal vitamins because it has the folic acid that my body needs.  After I start my next cycle I will call their office to get more initial appointments set up: water ultrasound, infectious disease testing, and plan of care appointment with the coordinator.  The plan of care is really the most important appointment as it will lay out the complete plan for August and September-September being the month that we will do the retrieval and transfer (IVF).  Dr.  Slater said that there will be about a 8-10 day window where I shouldn't schedule anything because of the processes that will take place.  And talking with my friends Taylor and Erin, there are definitely two days where I won't be able to do ANYTHING-including, but not limited too, going up and down stairs (um, my bedroom is upstairs and so is Baby G's), can't lift Baby G, no laundry.  Nothing.  Luckily, Nic is a "get it done" kind of daddy/husband (though there is talk of my madre coming up to help) and he will be a champ at handling the responsibilities.

At the end of our appointment I had an ultrasound done to look at my ovaries. Everything looked good and I had 23 (13 right, 10 left) resting follicles that are ready and waiting to be made into a baby :).

*If you guys made it all the way to the end of my post-yay(!) and thank you :)  The rest of the story will be split into two more parts.  Part II will dicuss the "What If" and Part III will discuss the financial break down.  Stay tuned.*