I'm sorry

I know I said I was going to paste every day and I've been working on one since last night and had intended on finishing it today.  However, my sweet little girl woke up with a 100* fever :(  We've been snuggling and watching Yo Gabba Gabba all day today.

Since I haven't had time to write something, I'm sharing one of my favorite videos about infertility. The journey of infertility was also a journey of discovery.  Discovering who I am and learning to define myself outside of something that might not be, such as a mother.  This video addressed fears I've had, Keiko addresses all the "What If's" that crossed my mind in the beginning of my journey to have a family.  There are still certain parts of this video that make me cry, and I think no matter my circumstances they always will.  Though I no longer let infertility define me, it still haunts me every now and then.


 
What IF: A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

NIAW: National Infertility Awareness Week

I can't believe it has been one year since "National Infertility Awareness Week" changed our lives.  And it all started with a simple Facebook post from a friend.  It's hard to believe that one year ago, this Thursday, we were sitting at Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine and we received the most unexpected gift.  We told very few people that we were going to ICRM in hopes of winning their grand prize-I think because we didn't want to them to help us in getting our hopes up. . .haha.  After the meeting at ICRM, I remember calling my mom and telling her about our evening at ICRM and just repeating, between sobs, "We won mom. We won."  Even now, thinking about that short conversation with my mom, it brings tears to my eyes.

This year for NIAW I'm committing myself to blog every day in sharing our story. From the decision to start our family to becoming my own advocate with my previous OB-GYN to finding hope along our journey and everything in between. Each step in our journey was met with confusion, frustration, heartache and peace.  But you know, even through the hard times, I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.  It brought my husband and I closer together and it helped us begin and grow our family.

If you know someone who is suffering from infertility, take time this week to let them know that you care and support them. Take time to listen to their story.

Updates!

November 2012-All FOUR of us  :)

I finally made myself sit down and update the blog.  Sorry it's taken me so long-I really never knew how tired I would be at the end of my days of chasing a toddler around, being pregnant, and working.  Whew!

Be sure to click back and read some posts:

Our 20 week ultrasound-truly a heavenly experience,

Finding out what happened to our embryos, and

my BFP result!

There are a couple of other goodies too, but I figured these are the ones that people have wanted to know most about.  I am also working on a few more posts as well.

Thanks for reading!

3.5 = a lot of changes for our family.

With the changes that took place with our family early last year, there were some major adjustments that we had to make.  It was a difficult time for our family, but somehow we we were able to make it through.  We hoped and prayed that Nic would be able to find a second job to help supplement the difference, but no such luck.  Now, a year later all that is about to change.

Do you see that color coordinated goodness? Well, in two weeks are lives are going to get busy (and possibly a little complicated).  In two weeks Nic will not only be running his lab and pouring models for a local orthodontist, he will also be working for Idaho Driving School and WDS (an inbound call center for Verizon), that means he will be working three and a half jobs (oh, and in case you were wondering, his lab schedule and work for the ortho are not on there-yet).  Crazy, right?  

I am grateful for Nic's willingness to provide for our family and I am truly grateful for these blessings from the Lord, but why did it all have to happen NOW, just two months before baby boy is to arrive?! That is just too much change for this mama.  I like my change in stages, not all at once.  When I asked Nic how we were going to do this he told me "Well, you're going to have to learn to ask for help."  And he's right.  I will freely admit that asking for help is not my forte, it's something I struggle with.  I feel by asking people for help I am inconveniencing them and being a burden and that's the last thing I want.  But if I'm to remain sane during the last two months of pregnancy and after baby arrives, I'm going to have to step out of my comfort zone and ask.  Also, with Nic working 3.5 jobs, it's also bringing another change that I really hadn't thought about-me NOT returning to work.

When I shared the news of these major changes for our family with my mom (especially when Nic starts his regular schedule with WDS 3:30 pm-12:00 am) she said "You're not going to go back to work, right mija?" Her words totally caught me by surprise and I told her I had wanted to, but I really hadn't thought about it and I started crying.  I love, love, LOVE the work that I do.  Massage therapy is truly my passion, but with Nic being away from home as much as he's going to be and with our plan to never put our children in day care, me returning to work simply isn't a possibility right now.  This is a hard decision for me.  I have worked since my junior year of high school (the only time I took off was when I returned to school for massage therapy and even that was hard), and to no longer help contribute to our family budget is going to be a hard truth for me to face.  But I also realize there are other ways for me to contribute to our family-most importantly by staying home and be the primary caretaker for our children.  I would like to work at minimum two days a month in my office and possibly expand my business with employees, but working out all those details is going to take some time.  

Another change is going to be our family routine, I think we have all been spoiled by Nic being home as much as he has been able to this last year being his own boss.  G loves her daddy time and it's so nice to have breakfast and dinner together as a family.  And it's wonderful to all be here for our nighttime routine, but with the changes those sacred times are going to be few and far in between which means that we will have to eat up every minute that we are able to have daddy at home.  I'm sure G will be a little sad in the beginning (and I will too), but Nic and I know that this small sacrifice (okay, it really is a big one) will bring about great blessings for our family.

Here's to a new adventure!

The Amazing Disappearing Act

 I know, I've fallen off the face of the earth and I'm sorry.  Life has been interesting.  I have at least 8 posts that are in the "draft" phase and need to be finished.  My goal is to have everything posted by Friday, luckily it's a slow work week for me :) And just for kicks and giggles, here is a picture of my two loves, they make my heart so happy.  Until Friday.

Boy oh Boy!

On January 15th we found out we're having a boy and we are THRILLED.  My family is especially excited as this will be the first grandson (proceeded by SIX grand-daughters).  When we told my parents, they were excited and I believe my dad got a little teary eyed.  I know as soon we told them he said "mom's going to put it on facebook and I'm going to call Lisa and the boys (my brothers)."  Throughout our conversation he kept saying this and my mom had to keep reminding him 'it's her news, let her tell people.'  Hahaha.

Everything looked great and baby boy is doing just fine. We can't wait to meet him.

20 Week Ultrasound

Trying to schedule an appointment for our ultrasound was frustrating.  Dr. Archibald's nurse told me the hospital was going to call me to schedule an appointment and after waiting four weeks, they never did.  So, I took a chance and called to see if my dr's office had ANY openings.  The Boise clinic didn't have any until March (!!!), so I asked her if she could check the Meridian clinic and she said they had one the following week and I told her I would take it (I've been dying to know boy or girl).  Today was our appointment, and I'm excited to share with you the results, just not now-sorry you'll have to wait for that.  I'm posting about our experience with our ultrasound tech.  Her name is Holly and the first thing I noticed about her was her wonderful smile and this happiness that radiated from her.  Now, you would think in health care that these professionals are always happy and smiley but that is not always the case.  But today I especially appreciated her radiance.

As we were heading back Holly along with everyone else just kept saying how adorable and cute Little G is, and well let's face it, she totally is :) We get back and settle in the room and all questions begin: doctor's name, my date of birth, baby's date of arrival, and then "With your daughter was it a vaginal or c-section?" Nic and I answer at the same time "Neither."  "Oh, so this is your first then?" "Yes."  Then she got a big smile on her face and congratulated us. I then tell her that Little G joined our family through adoption, to which she quickly replied "me too."

She continued on with ultrasound and I kept debating over and over in my mind whether or not I should ask her about her adoption, I decide to go for it.

"So how old is your baby?"

"She's 14 years old."

"Oh wow.  That's great.  {Then the taboo question} Do you and your daughter have contact with her birth mom?"

{When I originally wrote this post, I included details of things that Holly shared with us, but as it is not my story nor did I have her permission to share it, I decided to delete it}

In telling us her story, Holly told me that there is an adoption themed baby book that I am determined to find! We were given a baby book for Little G, but I had to rewrite a few things to fit our situation.  This adoption baby book sounds like it would be perfect!  She also told us about a book called 'Love's Reflection' in which you as the adoptive parent are able to chronicle your thoughts and feelings about things-totally another book I'm going to look for.

After sharing adoptions stories, our conversation turned to infertility.  We both agreed it's something you never plan for or anticipate and don't know how to deal with until you're thrown into the situation. I shared with her how shortly before Little G was to join our family, a friend (who also suffered from infertility) announced she was pregnant and I cried; I told her I couldn't help it-even though we were about to be blessed with the most beautiful gift, I couldn't help but cry for something I didn't have. But that's what infertility does to you.  It reminds you of things you can't or won't ever have :(  I then shared our IVF story with her and she  couldn't believe it (some days, I still can't). She also said my friend that told us about the giveaway is totally the baby's God-Mother.  And she is so right.  I can never thank Erin enough for answering my prayer that day.  Holly then told me, though she didn't know how expensive IVF was, she knew it wasn't an option for her.  And surprisingly  that was the first time I had heard someone in the infertility community say they weren't going to try IVF (most things you read say adoption isn't the answer for everyone), but her reasons for such are valid and are feelings that I had very early on in our marriage.

With IVF, the biggest concern for people tends to be the money (though that wasn't one of her reasons because she didn't know how much it cost),  then it's the emotional toll of failed tries, the time that is committed to IVF (it really is a time commitment), deciding when enough is enough in attempts, still working on your marriage through all the heartache and disappointment. . .it's so much to take in and handle.

I know in the very beginning of everything it was really hard for me to fathom paying "x" amount of money for the smallest possibility of becoming pregnant.  It was something I couldn't agree with or accept.  Yes, while we were dating it was so easy for me to say I'd be fine with that, but when you're actually IN the situation/moment and experiencing all these thoughts/feelings/emotions, reality sets in and you realize "No, I'm not okay with this." Nic would always try to turn my doubts into positive ones but it never worked.  I think because I needed to fully accept our situation before I could come to terms with paying for a small piece of hope.

After sharing our stories, I wish I could truly describe to you the feeling that was in the room.  There was just such a calm, peaceful, loving feeling in the room.  It was truly heavenly. I don't know if I'll see Holly again, but after having this special experience with her, but it's definitely one that I will always treasure.